closure

The hardest part about breastfeeding for me was the constant uncertainty that struck after I learned my child was not thriving by doing what was "supposed" to be natural.  Whether my milk ducts are too far back for my kids to stimulate until they have grown, I make glorified water, or whatever the case may be, there is nothing worse than looking at your child and seeing the jaundice return faster than it had crept away. 

The most difficult aspect of pumping was the roller coaster.  Knowing he was getting valuable antibodies, yet wondering if perhaps the next time he might suddenly start sucking effectively.  Finishing what seemed like a good feeding... latch looked good, I felt let down, and even saw milk in the corner of his mouth... yet he was truly hungry 20 or 30 minutes later (after a 45 minute or hour long nursing session.)  Knowing what I was trying to do was good for his health if it would work right, but recognizing that my other children needed me as they snuggled close with a book or grew frustrated because I couldn't do something they needed.  When Mommy's nursing 12 hours a day there is not much time left for the other kids.  When those 12 hours result in no visible benefits and frustration as the newborn exhibits signs that while he likes sucking, likes to be at the breast, the efforts are not fulfilling his needs, the emotional ride spins out of control.

I tried the combo.  I had hoped it would work longer term for us, but it did not.  Each pumping session served as a reminder that for whatever reason, my children did not get enough at breast.  Eventually, each nursing attempt resulted in dashed hopes that he would be satisfied by breast alone.  The Lactivists (nursing Nazis) tout the convenience and comfort of nursing, if you just try hard enough to make it work you will get there.  Maybe, maybe not.  That place in between where you are washing bottles and using nipple cream and your breasts hurt but baby is still not satisfied without supplementation nor relieving the pressure from them... that place is an emotionally and physically draining purgatory. To have to pump instead of meeting your family's needs?  As close to Hell as I want to get.  Drastic comparison, perhaps.  But that was my reality at certain moments during 2 of the 4 weeks doing the pumping and nursing attempt combo.  But that craziness is precisely the reason I came to my conclusion.  In spite of my desire to breastfeed and the encouragement from friends and family and my pediatrician, it was time to replace the dream of snuggling with my child at the breast as he nursed with the reality of snuggling my child at the breast as he is nourished in a different way.  And now that the stinging pain of weaning has passed, we are both on our way to being healthier and happier.  I can either continue to live in the struggle or move past it to a new beginning.

of milk and motherhood... part 2

I just typed my most recent Facebook status with tears streaming down my face:

Packed away the pump. For the 3rd time. If anyone dares ask questions that imply I did not try hard enough to feed my child in what they deem is the best way, the short answer is "it was not best for us."

 The long answer is 7 years in the making, probably longer if it were to be analyzed by a psychiatrist. One of the things I had most looked forward to about mothering was the miracle of breastfeeding.  

Episode 1: Child would not wake up, no matter what. When said child did wake up, she could not latch well.  Lactation consultant set me up on a regimen of finger feeding/pumping/supplementing with pumped milk.   Dear daughter did not gain weight until we began supplementing. When she did finally latch on, her suck was weak and she nursed for an hour and a half and was hungry 15 minutes later.  I ended up pumping and bottle feeding her breastmilk for 3 months.  I cannot remember having a truly successful nursing session with her ever, and the post partum depression that accompanied the struggle was as close to Hell as I ever want to get.  Two things stand out at me from the so-called professional support that I received.  At the hospital, I had overheard the nurse tell someone else "I told her what she needs to do, she just needs to do it" when I asked for additional help with positioning, etc.  When I returned the rental hospital grade pump to the Lactation consultant, she said something that implied I was doing something terrible.  The reality was that I was going to use another pump as long as I could.  She had a system in her mind, but given the crazy circumstances that surrounded our family, she had absolutely no compassion or ability to help me see past the struggle or communicate how her system could potentially help get my baby to nurse.

Episode 2:  Because the lactation consultant had partially attributed my daughter's lethargy and inability to nurse to the pitocin that had been in her system, I was determined to give breastfeeding another shot and to minimize interventions.  My son was born at 40 weeks 6 days in his own time.... and with a natural vaginal delivery.  We did it.  He seemed to start out nursing ok.  About 10 days in I could tell looking at him that he was jaundiced.  (My daughter had had minor jaundice that resolved itself in sunlight.) Someone brought me a meal and commented how orange he looked, and I freaked.  I was determined not not let him fail to thrive like his sister had, and to not fall into PPD again.  He began nursing longer and getting hungry more quickly after feedings, and I decided to pump.  My 3 year old walked in on me pumping one day and I heard the newborn crying in the background and I knew the ideal of feeding my baby breastmilk was not working.  His jaundice cleared up when I fed him his breastmilk from the bottle, and pumping interrupted my valuable time with my kids as their Mom.  Again, I pumped 10-12 weeks, mostly out of guilt because I still thought "breast is best."

Episode 3:  We induced this baby due to gestational diabetes.  Yes, I know there are differing opinions regarding whether or not induction is necessary.  Yes, I chose to do it anyway.  He seemed to latch on well at first, peed and pooped sufficiently at the hospital.  Bilirubin was 7.8 the morning we went home, not bad.  Weight was down to 6 lb 12 oz from 7 lb 7 oz.  By the time we went to the pediatrician for a checkup 2 days later, he had dropped another ounce and his bilirubin level was 18.4... indicating a need for phototherapy.  Phototherapy=heat=potential for dehydration.  Finger feeding, here we came again.  This little guy's suck and latch were better than the other two, I felt my uterus contracting, etc.... however that did not mean he was gaining weight.    We followed directions, finger fed, did just one night of phototherapy and his bilirubin dropped down around 15.  AND he gained up to 6 lb 15 ounces.  I began to think that perhaps I could do this and the pediatrician said I could stop supplementing and give it my all.  That mean long nursing sessions... on demand.  Gradually I noticed his diapers were not as wet.  He was pooping more infrequently.  When it came time for his 2 week checkup, I was not sure if I was imagining things, but I thought he looked more orange.  I told myself I was being paranoid, he was fine.  But he was also becoming increasingly less satisfied after feedings.  Nothing is more heartbreaking to a mother who wants to feed her child "the way God designed" than to have her baby crying out of hunger 15 minutes after a feeding session has ended.  Sure enough, bloodwork showed his jaundice level was back up to 17.4... not bad enough for phototherapy, but not good in light of the fact he should have been flushing it out with all the nursing we were doing.  And he had gained only 1/2 ounce in 4 days... up to 6 lb 15 1/2 ounces.  Even all the pro-breastfeeding sites like kellymom.com say to get help if your baby is not back up to birthweight in 2 weeks.  I knew that "help" would say to pump for 10 minutes after every feeding.  I knew that I could not logistically do that.

So there I was again.  Little M loved nursing.  But it wasn't nourishing him.  All that time... 12 hours of nursing a day... futile efforts.  The closeness and snuggles were not doing what he most needed.. they were not helping him grow.  So I decided to combo it as long as I could.

That meant about 4 more weeks for us.  He was inevitably hungry within  an hour and a half after a 3 or 4 ounce bottle of breastmilk.  And a slow sucker on the bottle as he had been at the breast.  So with pumping, feedings were still long.  I began to wean of pumping around 6 weeks and by 7 weeks was down to a session or two a day. Now, just past 8 weeks, I have not pumped in several days and have cleaned and packed the machine up and put it away.

Some women can emotionally hook themselves up to a milking machine with confidence that their body is supplying their child's physical needs.  I can't.  I also can't believe that insurance does not cover lactation support, but it doesn't... or else my insurance reps are clueless.  I should not have to chase down provider ID numbers and in the midst of fluctuating hormones beg for help.  Our local chapter of the La Leche League meets at 6 pm once a month.  Um, I have a first grader and a 4 year old and evenings are my baby's fussy time.  Really?  No, it's not worth it to me to drive 30 minutes for support under those circumstances.  If meeting were at 10 am I might have considered going to the meetings.

I have friends who came out of the woodwork and internet offering support and encouragement, and for that I am thankful.  I am feeding my son the last 20 ounces of pumped milk this week.  I am still leaking a little bit and may even latch him on for comfort if all else fails, because dang it if I have to wear a nursing pad then there must be something there... some amount of antibodies he gets from it.

But we are basically done.  3rd time, it's time to let go and move forward.  It's time to not wonder if his weight will be down at his next checkup and to only have to go in for monthly visits instead of 3-4 times a week like I did the first couple of weeks.  

It's past time for my older kids to have their Mommy back and my husband to have his wife back.  The emotional and physical roller coaster of breastfeeding just does not work for my children or me.  If we ever have a 4th child, I may not even bother trying again, even though I know how beneficial the antibodies are for my baby and was once convinced that "breast is best" and I would never have chosen to give my baby formula. Funny how experience changes you.

My baby boy is now thriving on mostly formula, and I will gladly snuggle him during feedings and have my older children turn pages while we read a book together. 

I will wholeheartedly encourage women in whichever birth choices or feeding choices they make, because I have learned that the ideals don't always work out and options are there for a reason.