choices

If you knew me in person when my daughter was born, you know the struggles we had following her birth... she was born with what I call "the works" medically speaking... induced with pitocin and we had an epidural.  All seemed to go well until it came time to nurse.  The child would not open her mouth.  All she wanted to do was sleep.  When she did want to eat, she still would not open (could not open wide enough) to get a good latch... combined with the stresses of our situation at the time, it really was a hellish experience.  I hate to call it that, but it was, in spite of the wonderful family and friends who surrounded me.  I spent 12 weeks feeling like a failure before I called it quits and decided what we were doing (pumping and attempting to nurse) was unhealthy for both of us.  I look back and realize I should have gone on meds for PPD sooner than I did, and I am simultaneously thankful that we breastfed and that I gave up when I did.

Baby #2.  Since the lactation consultants swore pit lips/too many meds lingered in Bear's system and contributed to the difficulty (in addition to the fact she has a smaller jaw and, well, couldn't open big enough to latch onto the areola well), I determined 2 things.  1) I would do whatever I could to keep medications from interfering with my baby's health (i.e. no epidural or pitocin 2) I would not let myself repeat the mental/emotional hell that I went through.  Buddy was born, he started out nursing well, but when he started repeating patterns of nursing for an hour and a freaking half and being hungry (yes, truly hungry) 15 minutes later, I refused to watch him not gain weight, or worse, lose weight as his sister had.

But in the process of aiming for a natural vaginal delivery, which we succeeded at, I learned something so important... I learned that my body is a lot stronger than what I give it credit for.  In the process of trying to nurse, twice, I learned to trust my instincts and that it's okay if what I thought was ideal does not happen.

So here comes baby #3 in several short months.  Now that I know the meds were not the sole cause of my baby's failure to thrive, I am less afraid of them.  But on the flip side, now that I have felt every contraction, faced my fears of pain associated with childbirth inste,ad of lying numbed up and being told what my body needed and when, I am also confident that I could try again.  Quite frankly, I know one two many people who still have nerve pain where their epidural was placed.... and the risk of c-section increases something like 30% with a medicated childbirth.  So why is it that the norm in our country is to be afraid of the pain instead of to face it?  Why is it that people are afraid of trying to deliver without meds in a hospital for fear that they will be forced into a labor they don't want (interventions before they are necessary)?  Why is it that I feel out of place in the natural camps because I actually feel safer in a hospital just in case of emergency than I would in my own home, but I feel out of place among those who don't understand my choice to aim for a delivery without "the works?"

Why do choices regarding childbirth and delivery and child-rearing often seem so polarized?  If I've learned anything from all this, both babies and mommies are resilient.  It takes a lot to break us physically.  And we have medical technology and food to give when things don't go quite as planned. 

I was once told that I think too much.  If the person meant "worry,"  I can't disagree there...
I have thought it through, and yes, I will aim for a delivery without the epidural and pitocin again, or at least a lighter dose if I need it, because that whole numbing-over-medication was over-rated.  I will do it in a hospital because, well, insurance covers it and I don't want the mess of childbirth in my bedroom and the "what ifs" would make it hard for me to relax.

And I have thought the feeding difficulties through, and yes I will try again.  Every ounce of breast milk my babies get is better than none, and every child is different so it would be unfair to not try this time around.  How long will I try?  Depends.  If this one takes after big sis, not as long as I did with her. But if this one takes after big brother, I will probably not give up as easily as I did with him... I will not assume failure at the first bump in the road.

No matter what happens, I hope I will trust my Mommy instincts and enjoy the journey, because babies don't stay tiny very long.