closure

The hardest part about breastfeeding for me was the constant uncertainty that struck after I learned my child was not thriving by doing what was "supposed" to be natural.  Whether my milk ducts are too far back for my kids to stimulate until they have grown, I make glorified water, or whatever the case may be, there is nothing worse than looking at your child and seeing the jaundice return faster than it had crept away. 

The most difficult aspect of pumping was the roller coaster.  Knowing he was getting valuable antibodies, yet wondering if perhaps the next time he might suddenly start sucking effectively.  Finishing what seemed like a good feeding... latch looked good, I felt let down, and even saw milk in the corner of his mouth... yet he was truly hungry 20 or 30 minutes later (after a 45 minute or hour long nursing session.)  Knowing what I was trying to do was good for his health if it would work right, but recognizing that my other children needed me as they snuggled close with a book or grew frustrated because I couldn't do something they needed.  When Mommy's nursing 12 hours a day there is not much time left for the other kids.  When those 12 hours result in no visible benefits and frustration as the newborn exhibits signs that while he likes sucking, likes to be at the breast, the efforts are not fulfilling his needs, the emotional ride spins out of control.

I tried the combo.  I had hoped it would work longer term for us, but it did not.  Each pumping session served as a reminder that for whatever reason, my children did not get enough at breast.  Eventually, each nursing attempt resulted in dashed hopes that he would be satisfied by breast alone.  The Lactivists (nursing Nazis) tout the convenience and comfort of nursing, if you just try hard enough to make it work you will get there.  Maybe, maybe not.  That place in between where you are washing bottles and using nipple cream and your breasts hurt but baby is still not satisfied without supplementation nor relieving the pressure from them... that place is an emotionally and physically draining purgatory. To have to pump instead of meeting your family's needs?  As close to Hell as I want to get.  Drastic comparison, perhaps.  But that was my reality at certain moments during 2 of the 4 weeks doing the pumping and nursing attempt combo.  But that craziness is precisely the reason I came to my conclusion.  In spite of my desire to breastfeed and the encouragement from friends and family and my pediatrician, it was time to replace the dream of snuggling with my child at the breast as he nursed with the reality of snuggling my child at the breast as he is nourished in a different way.  And now that the stinging pain of weaning has passed, we are both on our way to being healthier and happier.  I can either continue to live in the struggle or move past it to a new beginning.