breaking the silence

I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief now. A few weeks ago a posted about some pending changes, but did not have the freedom to share with the public. Well, I can now speak a little more freely, and I figure those who know me best or want to know me best read my blog in addition to my facebook status, so I'm posting here first. Many of you know this already.

Hubby has a pending job offer in another city, about 4 hours away from our current home. The process has begun moving, and we expect to hear his start date soon. So, while anticipating this info, we put our house on the market almost 3 weeks ago. It was a bit of a step of faith, but in this market we felt it would be the wise choice. So far we've had 4 showings, by different realtors and 1 set of offers/counter offers which we are praying will become a sale.

The process has been arduous. If you have followed my wandering thoughts for any length of time, or know me somewhat well, I am slightly organizationally challenged in some ways and VERY organizationally challenged, or undisciplined, in others... especially housekeeping. Hubby has been a HUGE help in motivating me, my sister kept the kids for a couple of days, and voila! we got the house into a showable state.

I don't have cable, therefore I don't watch those staging shows. Let me tell you, I think it's a load of manure. Yes, that's harsh. I think a reasonable person will be able to look past a little bit of personalization and perhaps some clutter. To expect people to "stage" their home like a TV set is ridiculous.

HOWEVER, the normal state of my home involves toys and laundry scattered or piled about, mail all over the kitchen clounter, dishes may or may not be caught up, floor might or might not be swept, bathrooms may or may not be clean, and nothing is ever spotless unless I find a place to stash things in a hurry. I inherited a pack rat gene. Given the choice, I would rather play with my flowers than tend my home. (Unless it's 100+degrees, as it is now with the heat index). Eden might have been a good home for me, but then I would have been Eve... I hope I'm not too much like her. Anyway, I've been finding that state of balance, and although it may not be perfect, my house is a home, and that is clear to potential buyers... minus some of the habitual messes of the past.

I have a range of emotions going through my heart and mind. Relief and joy because we have prayed for God to open a door, and there's finally now a good bit more than a crack after many slammed shut. A bit of fear of the unknown combined with anticipation of a great adventure. Sadness in thinking of family and friends from whom we'll be further separated. God-given faith knowing that He has provided for us in so many ways and is our Jehovah Jireh.

And then there's the idea of finding a new church home... again. How hard will it be to find another place where the Gospel is preached and it's okay to struggle to live it out in our lives? Where it's okay that His sanctification feels like a mystery at times in our lives, that we may change but God Himself does not... His Word does not, His grace is far more than that silly acronym "God's Riches At Christ's Expense" that I've heard in sermons far too many times.... why I roll my eyes at that acronym is a whole post in itself.

Some of my walls have just begun coming down with some of these friends, and now to start the process of finding a church family over. I hate the process of "life goes on", the one in which miles separate you and the walls come back up as the distance divides. If it seems like I've pushed people away or just not let them see my heart during this process, I probably have. I am thankful for those who have tried not to let those walls grow again... you know who you are.

I am comforted by the facts that our destination will bring me closer to a cousin who I've come to know over the past few years, some friends I've met online who have become an extended part of my family in Christ, and that new seasons bring new fruit.

I may come and go on here for a while... my absence should mean I am busy with life, my family, and hopefully not too busy on Facebook and Farm Town, though I do enjoy them. The process of preparing my home for change has also included a bit of refocusing of my own, something the never ends.

the roller coaster...

I know the baby blues are normal, but a few days ago I found myself spiraling downward, overwhelmed by everything that I need to do and my inability to do it, or even a quarter of "it." I felt like God messed up somehow when He made me, because I hate that I wrestle with depression and/or anxiety (depends on the day or moment you catch me). NOT a good place to be. Thankfully Hubby and my close friends know just what to say... or not to say. They know when to listen and give a big hug. I KNOW what I was thinking isn't true, that my Creator designed me exactly how He wanted me to be, but there I went again... The rest of the week has gone much more smoothly.

Our little buddy has his first cough, and though he lacks a fever, I am watching him closely. He's been sleeping more today, so he must be fighting something... either that, or his body realized he is only 6 1/2 weeks old and while big sis is fun to watch, he needs sleep. Or maybe both.

The bright side is I've tackled a couple of things which were pestering me AND had some one on one time with Bear while her brother slept. I am thinking more clearly and in light of the Truth. And Hubby's words reminded me of a song that was sung at our wedding:

all of my life
i have dreamed
that somehow love would find me
now i can't believe you're standing here

If beauty is all
in the eye
of the beholder then i
wish you could see
the love for you that lives in me

(Chorus)
And you would know you have my heart
If you could see, what i see
that a treasure's what you are
if you could see, what i see
Created to be
the only one for me
If you could see, what i see

I know there are days
when you feel
so much less than ideal
wondering what i see in you

It's all of the light
and the grace
your belief in me drives me to say
that i promise you
a faithful love, forever true

(Chorus)

if you could see
then you'd understand
why i fall down to my knees
and i pray my love
will be worthy of
the one who gave his life
so our love could be

if you could see
what i see(x2)

You're created to be
The perfect one for me
If you could see
What i see

if beauty is all
in the eye
of the beholder then i
am beholding...
true beauty



If You Could See What I See by Geoff Moore and the Distance