breaking the silence

I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief now. A few weeks ago a posted about some pending changes, but did not have the freedom to share with the public. Well, I can now speak a little more freely, and I figure those who know me best or want to know me best read my blog in addition to my facebook status, so I'm posting here first. Many of you know this already.

Hubby has a pending job offer in another city, about 4 hours away from our current home. The process has begun moving, and we expect to hear his start date soon. So, while anticipating this info, we put our house on the market almost 3 weeks ago. It was a bit of a step of faith, but in this market we felt it would be the wise choice. So far we've had 4 showings, by different realtors and 1 set of offers/counter offers which we are praying will become a sale.

The process has been arduous. If you have followed my wandering thoughts for any length of time, or know me somewhat well, I am slightly organizationally challenged in some ways and VERY organizationally challenged, or undisciplined, in others... especially housekeeping. Hubby has been a HUGE help in motivating me, my sister kept the kids for a couple of days, and voila! we got the house into a showable state.

I don't have cable, therefore I don't watch those staging shows. Let me tell you, I think it's a load of manure. Yes, that's harsh. I think a reasonable person will be able to look past a little bit of personalization and perhaps some clutter. To expect people to "stage" their home like a TV set is ridiculous.

HOWEVER, the normal state of my home involves toys and laundry scattered or piled about, mail all over the kitchen clounter, dishes may or may not be caught up, floor might or might not be swept, bathrooms may or may not be clean, and nothing is ever spotless unless I find a place to stash things in a hurry. I inherited a pack rat gene. Given the choice, I would rather play with my flowers than tend my home. (Unless it's 100+degrees, as it is now with the heat index). Eden might have been a good home for me, but then I would have been Eve... I hope I'm not too much like her. Anyway, I've been finding that state of balance, and although it may not be perfect, my house is a home, and that is clear to potential buyers... minus some of the habitual messes of the past.

I have a range of emotions going through my heart and mind. Relief and joy because we have prayed for God to open a door, and there's finally now a good bit more than a crack after many slammed shut. A bit of fear of the unknown combined with anticipation of a great adventure. Sadness in thinking of family and friends from whom we'll be further separated. God-given faith knowing that He has provided for us in so many ways and is our Jehovah Jireh.

And then there's the idea of finding a new church home... again. How hard will it be to find another place where the Gospel is preached and it's okay to struggle to live it out in our lives? Where it's okay that His sanctification feels like a mystery at times in our lives, that we may change but God Himself does not... His Word does not, His grace is far more than that silly acronym "God's Riches At Christ's Expense" that I've heard in sermons far too many times.... why I roll my eyes at that acronym is a whole post in itself.

Some of my walls have just begun coming down with some of these friends, and now to start the process of finding a church family over. I hate the process of "life goes on", the one in which miles separate you and the walls come back up as the distance divides. If it seems like I've pushed people away or just not let them see my heart during this process, I probably have. I am thankful for those who have tried not to let those walls grow again... you know who you are.

I am comforted by the facts that our destination will bring me closer to a cousin who I've come to know over the past few years, some friends I've met online who have become an extended part of my family in Christ, and that new seasons bring new fruit.

I may come and go on here for a while... my absence should mean I am busy with life, my family, and hopefully not too busy on Facebook and Farm Town, though I do enjoy them. The process of preparing my home for change has also included a bit of refocusing of my own, something the never ends.

40 week self-portrait

... well, the most prominent physical part of my self right now.

I've been trying to keep myself occupied by keeping up with dishes, laundry, etc.... The hike halfway down the biggest hill in the subdivision did not make a lick of difference. I thought about ringing my friend Katrin's doorbell at 7 a.m. to see if the magic Xocaii chocolates she sells will induce labor. But I abstained, my mom taught me not to disturb people before 9 a.m. (Though sometimes she forgets that rule herself.)

And on the 1st night of the 40th week....

Lauren rested. Mostly. Getting up every 2 hours is not completely restful, but I've grown so accustomed to it that it's not a big deal anymore. The cramps/mild contractions/whatever they were fizzled by 1 a.m. (They were like half as bad as my regular pms cramps, nothing major. But when you haven't felt anything like that in months, well you can't help but wonder.)

Maybe I should go for a quick walk while Bear is still sleeping, it's not too hot out yet, and hubby is home in case Bear does wake up. (He's working from home today.)

100 days...

until the little guy is expected to make his appearance.
That doesn't sound like much time in the grand scheme of things.
He's a kicker... I wonder if that means he'll be a hyper boy. Given the nature of boys in our family, and girls for that matter, I would assume so. Thankfully his big sister is not a priss, even though she does like dressing girly in her flowered skirts and pastels.

maternal instincts (warning, might be tmi if you aren't a woman, or one who has ever been pregnant)

It's funny how when you're pregnant, your body knows exactly what to do and when. Apparently mine has decided that it's time to start producing food, or the precursors to feed, for the little one, even though he won't be born for a while yet, Lord willing. I guess holding a rooting 3 month old in your arms (or being in the same room) does that. ;)

Some of our good friends came over tonight. They included two of my college roommates, the hubby and adorable daughters of one of them and another friend from college. I am so thankful that God has given me friends with whom to walk through life with, even from a distance at times.

Bear enjoyed playing with Caroline, and doted on baby Kimberly. She wanted to help put her paci in her mouth, and she even "held" her on the couch, with the support of a big pillow and myself. I love seeing her tender heart come out with the little ones. Though she was not an angel every second (and even showed some of her toddler temper at times), and did not want to share every little thing the whole time we had visitors, she did pretty well overall. I hope she is as gentle and patient with her little brother when he arrives.

Hubby felt this baby kick for the first time tonight!
Unfortunately, I couldn't get to sleep, so I got back out of bed.

gender prediction fun

pendant test:
1st try- swung back and forth= boy
2nd & 3rd tries- swung in circle= girl
I held my mustard seed marble necklace by the clasp and dangled it above my belly. I tried to hold it the exact same way each time.

Chinese calendar gender prediction: girl (a couple of days later would have been boy)

older sibling's prediction as of today:
me: "Is the baby in Mommy's belly a boy or girl?"
Bear: "Boy or girl."
me: "Which is it... are you going to have a brother or a sister?"
Bear: "sister."

blog poll
boy- 37% (12 votes, including mine)
girl- 62% (20 votes)

2-D Ultrasound at OB/Gyn office:

full profile with knees bent and right hand up by face

the goods- way different than what we saw at bear's u/s

"I'm doing great in here, mom!" (baby boy waves at us)

*******

I am breathing many sighs of relief tonight. Apparently the placenta is in front, cushioning me from our little guy's jabs and kicks. I think it was in the same position with Bear, too. We saw plenty of them this afternoon... he is definitely alive and kickin'. The tech said everything looked good. I guess if she saw something alarming, she would have to call the doc in. He was moving around, waving his arms and legs to cast shadows over in-opportune places... but our tech was able to get all the shots she needed to, and there was no mistaking the extra "limb" that we did not see 3 years ago at Bear's ultrasound. Or else God is playing a really good April fool's joke on us. His weight estimate is about 11 oz., heartbeat was around 136 bpm, and his estimated arrival date is 8/20. He's the first grandson on both sides. (Unless what we thought was an extra part was really the umbilical cord all bunched up just in the wrong spot. )

We're excited. We think we have a name picked out, but we reserve the right to change our minds so I'm not posting it yet. It is something that Bear can pronounce and she sounds so sweet saying it. Of course, we would have been excited either way, but I had a hunch this one might be a boy (I even cast one of the boy votes in the poll.) This pregnancy started out SO different, and I know that's not a definite indication, but I couldn't help but guess... even though I did have a girl's name I was growing more and more fond of.

Thanks for all your prayers... I'll post the winner of my drawing tonight or tomorrow.