one year ago

i awoke on the 27th of january, 2007, to take my 4th pregnancy test in a week's time. the 2nd line was darker than the other 3 previous tests had been, so my excitement grew. i was pregnant!

just a few hours later, an all too familiar feeling hit. "surely not." i thought. spotting turned into bleeding, bleeding turned into passing clots. the flow was still less than many of my normal periods, so i couldn't give up hope. it was a saturday, and i knew that going to the ER would be a waste of time.

by monday, when my doctor made room in her busy schedule, i had passed everything. in fact, the hcg level had dropped to the point that the pee test at the doctor's office did not detect my pregnancy. but bloodwork confirmed it. my doctor wanted to be optimistic, and we hoped that perhaps i was just earlier along than i had thought. i went back for additional bloodwork later in the week, which confirmed i had suffered an early miscarriage.

tech mom's recent post reminded me, in its own way, that i have a lot to be grateful for. while there are times i still wonder about the baby i almost had in september, i like to think that "Hope" is surrounded by doting great-grandparents who were waiting in heaven. hubby's uncle d is cruising the streets in a custom mopar that God gave him a garage for, and my little one loves the joy rides. pardon my theological-incorrectness, but it just helps. besides, who's to say that you can't drive a mopar for God's glory? my grandpa plays the harmonica, and exclaims "uufa" when the little one distracts him from a note. and he still has his duct-tape covered Bible and hand-carved toaster-tweezers.

anyway, as i pass these early morning moments of insomnia i am thankful. i have a husband who loves me. i have a beautiful daughter who loves everyone and exclaims, "mommy, i'm so glad to see you today!" hust about every morning. (where did she get her morning-person temperment? certainly not from her parents!) and though i am not particularly fond of the nausea and fatigue, i am grateful to be reminded that i've been given another chance to be a mommy.