bad mom


baby bear guzzled her white grape juice(diluted) in about 3 minutes, so i refilled her sippy cup with water. i just laughed when she threw it on the floor upon realizing that it was not filled with the same thing. if she's thirsty enough, she'll drink the water.

now she seems to be trying to open the new packs of suppies that i picked up on clearance for her cousins, as if they will have juice in them. poor, delusioned child.

update

baby bear took a bath while i got the pot roast into the crock pot. (i can see the bathtub from the kitchen- it's terrific!) she had spit up a bunch of milk on herself, so i figured both of us would be happier if she got a bath.

now she's roaming around, playing in just a diaper. gotta let a baby be a baby. and she is still a baby, after all. she would make a great huggies commercial right now. i have the heat set a little higher than normal so she won't be too cold. i was not up to wrestling her, and a little almost nakey time never hurt a kid.

i'm on the coach, still in my pj's with my feet propped up. the radio is on, and the last 2 songs have been encouraging.

my emotions/feelings keep fluctuating; the symptoms of miscarriage seem stronger than the symptoms of pregnancy... but it's a new experience, and part of me wants to hold onto hope that everything is ok. so i will rest, just in case...

there's an 80% chance of snow tomorrow. we have stocked up (we were almost out of groceries anyway... we were out of milk and juice. that's bad.), as the south shuts down for the mere threat half the time, and even 2 inches can incapacitate, especially if there is ice involved. it's been cold here... in the single digits with the wind chill, so i can only imagine what some of you have to deal with right now. however, the sky has been clear... winter clear, and even though it's been windy, the crisp cool air is refreshing for a moment. there are times i miss having distinct seasons. you can bet i'll post pics if we actually get snow. however, half the time it goes just around us when it is forecast, or warms up enough to make it a gross wet mix... at least we had a beautiful sunset over the western hills last night.

In case anyone else wants to know about HCG levels...

The roller coaster continues.

Right now, i don't know what to think. My doctor called, and the blood test was barely positive, with an HCG level of 35. She said to expect it is probably a very early miscarriage, and to have another blood test taken next Monday. She didn't say anything about bedrest or anything, but I guess I will try to take it easy just in case...

So I guess that means the Dollar Tree tests were reliable and not false... and I was probably less than 7 week pregnant after all.

Please pray for me and this baby that I may still be carrying... I am trusting that God will do what is best. If that means taking the baby this early, as it appears is happening, I have to believe that it is because something was seriously wrong... or maybe we will have a big miracle. My bleeding is continuing and beginning to feel more like my normal period, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

Thank you all for your prayers. They mean so much to us.

i thought i had patience...

until i received 3 phone calls in a row from concerned friends wondering what i've heard... i'm assuming no news is good news, as in nothing is "wrong" per se. early pregnancy would be good news, but so would confirmation of no miscarriage or irregular bloodwork of any capacity. after the melanoma scare i had a few years ago, i tend to think of cancer possibilities when things seem abnormal.

one of the friends who called is a new daddy to a little boy they're calling "mac". (new, as in born last week.) they apparently had several false positive tests, too... who knew? anyway, his wife, their new son, and their 2 daughters are doing great. it's comforting to know that if they are false positives, i am not the only one who has had them!

truck drivers (& companies) do not own the road, but they think they do

I am thankful that my sis and her family were ok after a truck edged into them in their lane. I am also thankful that the hundreds of times my husband stood on the shoulder of an interstate and helped motorists or wrote tickets, he did not get killed by a semi driver. I know there are many good drivers out there, but unfortunately there also many lunatics that forget the vehicles they are driving cannot be driven like 4-cylinder chevette's or V-8 sports cars, for that matter. or else they are irresponsibly driving too many hours after not getting enough rest... and then they try to claim "no fault" when they look away or reach for their coffee for a second... and some under-paid state trooper actually bought whatever story the truck driver gave him, if the report is saying "no fault."

pray that at the very least, their insurance doesn't go up... at best, that the truck driver's insurance company gets off whatever high horse they think they're on...

4 positive tests can't be wrong, can they?

maybe so! urine test at doc's office was negative, and she didn't find a sack in the ultrasound.. so i'm either really early with implantation bleeding or not pregnant at all (starting VERY late). at least there was nothing negative on the ultrasound, as in no bad stuff. i should get the results from the blood test this afternoon. (the doc's office is right next to the hospital so they run the tests over there instead of having their own lab in house). my cell phone is charging downstairs, it's a little tired out right now.

lessons learned 1) when you retest after getting a positive home test, buy a different brand for comparison. 2) don't believe a positive is a positive til you have the doctor's word... even if it has been almost 7 weeks since your last period and you've been relatively regular since your baby was born.

hopefully we'll find out for sure this afternoon, but right now it's looking like a false alarm... but i'd rather have nothing be wrong (other than a whacked-out cycle) than have lost a little one.... i'll let y'all know when I hear the blood test results...
*****

after i got home from picking up baby bear, gina called... 2 1/2 year old pixie saw us drive away and thought i stole her grandparents' suv! (we have the same color and model of vehicle.)

waiting..

baby bear is munching on shredded colby-jack and mixed veggies, with a big sippy cup full of milk. she remains pantless, i hope to finish dressing her before dropping her off at gina's on my way to meet hubby.

i've rested as much as i can today, nothing is really new.... yet. i am surprsingly at peace with the whole situation, at least us much as i can be. why cause my body any more stress than it's apparently already under?

i just have to add that i feel sad for people who don't have good in-laws. tech mom kept her word and kept the secret for us, she didn't even tell dad. so the rest of the family was a tad bit surprised (maybe more than a tad) by e-mails and blog posts, but i just couldn't tell everyone in person. i was hoping to come up with a creative way to announce the news around valentine's day, or at least with a valentine theme before then. guess that won't be necessary.

other than crazy hair and refusing to wear pants, baby bear has been a doll today. she even napped for almost 2 hours this morning... pray that she'll be in a good mood for Gina, who has a pixie and peanut of her own.

update...

doctor's appt. scheduled for 1:20 so hubby can come. i figure that a few hours will not make a big difference. in the meantime, i'm trying to stay off my feet, drink lots of water, etc... symptoms are heavier but do seem to be fluctuating and are not quite as heavy as my normal period (i am not one of the lucky ones who has light, 3 day periods and gets the rest of the month to relax). if this is tmi, get over it. reality isn't always pleasant.

thank you for your prayers!!!!!!

warning: personal, may require tissues

i didn't want to post about this until i had spoken with my parents and hubby's parents. for those of you who are family, i'm sorry i'm not sharing in person or on the phone, but typing is easier than talking right now. i tried to talk about it with someone last night and couldn't without crying, so i'm not going to bother trying right now. i had to have hubby tell his mom, and while i made it through the conversation with my mom ok, it wasn't easy.

anyway, last weekend i took a couple of home pregnancy tests. they had very slight lines on them, so i didn't know what to think. i wanted an expert opinion... lo and behold, we were at tech mom's house. so i had her take a look at them , since she reads tests like this for a living, sort of.... she said they looked + but give it a week or so and test again... we tried not to be too excited, of course, but we were. i even asked baby bear what she would think if mommy has a baby in her belly, and she started poking my belly button and kissed my tummy. (she likes tummies anyway, i'm not sure she really understood the question.)

this week, i started experiencing nausea and my gag reflex kicked in a few times, more than it usually does. i was beginning to trust the tests. i called my doctor and made an appointment for next week, to go in and confirm. i was due for my annual check-up anyway, so the timing was perfect. when the secretary made the appointment, of course she asked all the standard questions when i told her it might be more than just a regular exam... i told her the date of my last cycle, and about the tests. she changed the slot to a first OB check-up just in case.

yesterday morning, i took another test.... positive. darker line than the previous two. my hopes were up by this point. hubby and i had accepted that even though we didn't feel ready for another child financially, we know God is in control. children are gifts, and quite honestly, i don't feel like i should try to control whether or not we have them right now, especially since we know we would like baby bear to have siblings at some point.

God is in control. that's what I'm clinging to right now. i started bleeding last night. just a little. this morning, it's increased. if the tests were truly positive, things aren't looking good right now. i will call my doctor's office first thing tomorrow, see about changing my appointment to earlier in the week. preferably, tomorrow. according to the calendar, if there is or was a baby, he or she should be 6 1/2 weeks along right now. the size of a lentil bean. the heart would be developing, and limbs would be in their early flap formations. my cycle is irregular, so that's speculative. there is the possibility that my hopes were up foolishly, and my body is just being more irregular than normal. except for four darn tests i've taken at home that implied it was more than my imagination...

thank you for your prayers, loved ones (and strangers who may happen across this post). i'm not really in a chatting mood right now, so forgive me if i lurk unannounced on your blogs.

p.s. it's hard to have too much of a pity party when your 15-month old is bouncing on her cute little behind to Big Bird and the gang singing their ABC's. she is the cutest.

unspoken...

to vaguely play off one of jaci velsquez' songs, i've gotta leave my heart unspoken on here right now. we're watching "the devil wear's prada", hopefully it will take my mind off what's nagging at me. thankfully it's not unspoken to Him.

i wanted to go to the library today. drove there, and it was closed. there was a freaky looking man sitting in his car next to the gate next to the playground, so i opted not to get out and let baby bear play anyway. it looks like a nice playground, so maybe we'll go back on a day the library is open and other people are around.

so, we went to babies r' us to browse. i set a baby bjorn potty chair on the ground, baby bear clung to my leg as though to say ,"i'm not getting on that thing." she did climb on a step stool, kind of laying across it with her belly. then she zoomed over to the jump-a-roos and started playing with the toys on them. nothing jumped out at me from the clearance racks... there were some cute shoes, but nothing major, so i actually did not buy anything there. in the toy debt., baby bear liked the leapfrog telephonics toy. i checked the vowel sounds, and that particular toy actually does say both the long and short vowel sounds. her alphabet bus only says the short sounds. she also liked this little ball that is plastic/rubbery and kind of has honeycomb holes that she can grab. it was way overpriced for a little plastic. she was not happy about letting go of it, but she recovered quickly. when we got out to the car, a boy and his mom were in the car next to us with an adorable black teacup poodle. baby bear saw the dog and started pointing and smiling. the lady rolled down her window, and it turned out she'd put a premie sized onesie on the pup, and purchased a set of bows and headbands for it. my baby girl doesn't really even wear hair bows! she just tears them out. what really cracked me up was when the boy, who seemed like any normal 4 or 5 year old boy said, "isn't she cute?!?"

final stop, the dollar store . the learn and groove music table that we bought baby bear for Christmas sucks the life out of batteries. i had read the reviews before Christmas, and did not find any major issues. i read them again this week, and found another couple of people with the same comment. why it only takes 3 AA's with all the little things it plays and lights up is beyond me. the replacement batteries did the trick, so i guess we will not be taking it back. i'll just try to remember to turn the darn thing off when baby bear is not playing with it to help make the batteries last longer than 3 weeks. while we were there, baby bear picked out a blue bouncey ball with tigger on it. her choices were: ariel, pooh, and belle. i wonder if she would have picked spider man if i had let that be an option. she also wanted a bag of trail mix, but of course that got vetoed by mommy. why pay $4 for 4 batteries when you can buy them for $1? gotta see how much the big packs are at costco, though... they just might be worth it.

when we arrived home, the sun was shining brightly, so even though it was cool, it was actually warm enough for us to play outside for a few minutes. 3 of the crocus bulbs have bloomed (in various locations... 1 under the birch tree and 2 in the flower bed), and there are more on their way. it looks like the tips of some daffodils are peeking up out of the ground, too. hopefully more will come in a couple of months... i'm thrilled with the crocuses, even though january seems a little early for bulbs to bloom. they brighten the bleakness of the season. so far the deep yellow with purple centers seem to be the early risers. crocus bulbs are relatively cheap and apparently not as well liked by bulb-eating rodents. many of the daffs have failed to come up, but the crocuses seem to be propogating quite nicely. i think this is year 3.

i talked to my friend Chatterbox today. we spoke for an hour, which is very easy to do with her. it was good to finally catch up, we had not spoken since before Christmas. she lives about an hour south of here, practically to alabama, southeast of where zann & farmwife's family lives, if i remember correctly. a few months ago, her family was in a bad car wreck. her right foot was basically crushed. well, a 2nd surgery is scheduled for next friday, 2/2. pray that this one goes better than the first. she has a little girl who is just 11 days older than baby bear, and not having full function of her foot is a pain. she hops around all day, so i'm sure her other leg is really strong.

that's my book for the day. baby bear is napping, hubby is home early after going in early, and tonight will be taco night.

Farmwife Inspired me to do this blogthing.... Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody. In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think. And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends. You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that.

What Color Purple Are You?

*****
I have to tag Caslon & Becca on this one, because they used to have purple bedrooms.
Anyone else who wants to, tell us what color purple you are!

hear ye, hear ye!

tech mom, caslon, and crt have broken their silence on their blogs this week!

one of those days

not bad, really... except for having to clean baby bear's torpedoes out of the bath tub for the 2nd time in a week. i'm thinkin' potty training sounds very good... if it works, of course. i don't want it to be the beginning of a 2 year struggle by starting too early. there are some people that call early potty training effication communication, or EC... right now that sounds a little bit crazy. except when it's time to clean torpedoes out of the tub again.

it's been one of those days when mommy just didn't want to do much besides play with baby bear. baby bear got two baths... mommy's still in her satin pj pant/shirt set that she got for christmas. it's one of those days when i just don't feel like using capital letters. one of those days when cooking means crock pot italian pork chops, baked sweet potato, and sauteed spinach... and it turns out pretty close to perfect. hubby scarfs down his pork chops and sweet potatoes, then he oh-so-generously shares his spinach with baby bear, who claims mommy has not fed her at all. when the laundry stays in the laundry basket in the middle of the living room. oh, and when verifying an annual appointment counts as accomplishing something.

yep, it's been one of those days. and i liked it!

smokin' the pipe

uh, not really. hubby just took a breathing treatment. he asked if i knew if his sister is able to handle them... his heart is now racing. that's what happens to me when i take them, too, but they usually do the trick. he really wants to get rid of his cough, and is hoping this will work. (all of us feel better except for his lingering cough.)

multi-tasking, anyone?

i, unlinke my sisters-in-law and younger sister, do not typically multi-task well. my mom refers to herself as one-at-a-time wendy, and i inherited that trait. however, i also try not to let that stop me... too much.

baby-bear's lunchtime attempt to feed herself strawberry applesauce with a spoon resulted in a little mess. consequently, she needed a bath. while she played in the tub, i cleaned the mirror, sink, counter, and toilet. she found the mirror cleaning and toilet scrubbing quite amusing. she also figured out how to blow bubbles in the bathwater as she lay on her tummy. i've been waiting for that to happen. i haven't bothered showing her because i figured she would discover it in her own time.

later, i took care of the mirrors, counter, and toilet in the other bathroom. she was not happy when i shut her out of the bathroom so i could scrub the toilet without her getting her hands anywhere nearby. i could have sworn she said "open!" as she banged on the door from the bedroom, but i was probably imagining things. maybe i should have just set her in the dry tub so she wouldn't hang from my legs as i tried to clean the rest....

Snapshots from the wedding....

the happy couple- GuapoCop & PT

World's Best Teacher, Air Traffic Chica, Catgirl, Me, Hubby

I'm not going to tag anyone this time... but if you want to do it on your blog, go for it. Or just put your results in my comments. There's no shock in the percentages here...

Your Brain is 87% Female, 13% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NASB)

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
the Everlasting God, the Lord,
the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.

He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.

Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.