just. can't. sleep. (might be tmi...)

i don't want to get my hopes up. but honestly, if all my periods were like this, i would have nothing to complain about. which totally does not make sense to me if i am truly experiencing a miscarriage. today, or yesterday, the bleeding slowed to spotting. and even at it's heaviest a couple of days ago, whatever this is that i am experiencing was still light compared to my normal flow. cramping has been very rare... no need for pain meds, that's how light any cramping has been. on monday, i had convinced myself i had taken 4 false positives. yes, i know that's unlikely. when we saw nothing on the ultrasound, the doctor did say it could be possible that it's too early to detect anything... and then the blood tests came back.. barely positive. barely pregnant.

so the question is, am i still? do i have the beginning form of a baby developing inside me? is there a reason to hope? yes, i realize that a pregnancy could interfere with beach vacation plans, especially one with complications. i think the family would forgive me if that were to happen. i know if caslon turned up pregnant and had to stay home, as much as i would miss her and photo guy, we would be ecstatic to have another niece or a nephew on the way. or crt for that matter. tech mom... now that would be a medical impossibility to my understanding, i think we'd all be a little worried.

anyway, i may be crazy but i have gone ahead and added a pregnancy label here in blogger. God is bigger than i. He knows what is going on inside my body, even when the doctors and i do not. and while staying off my feet seems to be helping my symptoms (reducing bleeding), and cramps are minimal if at all, i can't give up hope just yet. next monday, i may find out the hcg levels have dropped, but since there were hcg levels to be measured, and if this is a miscarriage can i please have it this easy during my normal periods?... i can't give up hope. with God, there is always reason to hope. His Son conquered death so that we might know Him personally. that is eternal Hope.

i can pray. i will pray that regardless of the outcome, God will give me peace. because if i find out i have truly lost or am in the process of losing a baby, i will tend to be heartbroken. even if it's not exactly planned, when you're not doing anything to avoid getting pregnant, it means you are ready to love a child if God so chooses to send one. at least, that's what it means for me.
i will also pray that if my cycle is just really weird and we have a tiny baby, God will protect our child. i pray that all this insanity will end, that my body will do whatever it needs to to protect this new life, and that my next blood test will give us hope. i've done a little research, and it looks like it's normal for hcg levels to be tested within 72 hours... i suppose my doctor wants to wait a week because that will really tell us if the numbers are truly going up or down. so, i wait.

in the meantime, the insomnia continues. i woke up to pee and cannot get back to sleep. so i've taken the laptop upstairs where i will not disturb my beloved. i've turned the heat back up to a level that is comfortable with blankets. i will not allow the disappointment of early morning darkness (versus that glow that occurs when weather forecasters are correct and we actually get a covering of snow) to take away my hope. after this insomnia passes, perhaps i will awaken to a soft covering of snow.