the past week has prompted a lot of reflection, introspection, and judgement. it has confirmed my pro-life stance, and challenged me to pray for people who see nothing wrong with premature elective termination of human life.

i think i knew deep down what had happened by last tuesday, but i could not resign myself to accept it until yesterday's blood test confirmed my fears. last sunday night, before i went in to see my ob before the infamous ultrasound, i felt my heavenly father wrap his arms around me. ok, maybe it was the holy spirit. actually, since i believe the father, son and spirit are one, that equates to one extra big hug.

i wonder how i will refer to our baby we did not get to meet... will i say "i have one daughter on earth, and one child in heaven?" probably not... that's a lot of explaining that i would feel the need to share.... and this is not the topic of a casual introductory conversation.

women have come out of the woodwork and cyberspace to tell me they've been in a similar place. it's comforting, though in a sense it makes me mourn for them as well as my own loss. it was so early... but our baby was being formed. our child lived inside me, depended on my body, even if for a brief time. his or her days were numbered, for whatever reason (God knows). i have to believe that letting go now is easier than saying goodbye later.

this whole situation is very surreal, but right now, although i can't say i am happy with the answer, i am glad to have one. i've held baby bear tighter today. her sloppy kisses have made me laugh more deeply. she will be a great big sister someday, Lord willing. but not yet. for a little while longer, she has mommy and daddy to herself. at 4:00 this morning, when she woke up and needed mommy, i got her and brought her into our bed. she actually settled down enough for us to get some sleep, something rare as she normally prefers her own space as much as we prefer ours. by the time her daddy left for work, she was out soundly (sprawled all over his side of the bed, of course.)

life goes on... and one life will not be forgotten.