I never thought I'd say this...

...but breastfeeding is harder than having a baby without the epidural. Maybe not physically, but emotionally it's WAY harder. Because when you think your child has eaten well, and then he or she hasn't, you feel like you have done something wrong, even when there is nothing else you could do.

We've made it almost 3 weeks. Hubby goes back to work tomorrow, which will be the test. My resolve is pretty low at this point. I take that back. My resolve to be a good Mom is stronger than ever. My conviction that breastfeeding is always best, not so much. In the grand scheme of things, the struggles I have dealt with in trying to nurse both of my kids are minor. They pale in comparison to what many of my friends have gone through with preemies and health problems related to pregnancy. I am blessed with a perfectly healthy daughter who thrived on formula after struggling with nursing. Our son is thriving on breastmilk, but I have chosen to pump and bottle feed after way too many extended nursing sessions which ended only to leave him unsatisfied. Maybe he'll grow into it, maybe not... but I was not about to let him start losing weight in the process, and he made it clear he was still hungry.

It's a challenge, because I would prefer to nurse than pump. period. But what's the point if he's hungry 5 minutes later? I know some might not agree with my choice, I also know that God gave each Mother instincts, and there are times that only the Mom can know what is best. Thankfully, this time we have had some sweet nursing sessions, not the latching struggles that I had with my first. However things turn out, I will be at peace with the journey, even though way was hard.

I think I may have to send out 2 or 3 different Christmas cards.

I am torn between the more formal:

and the very quirky cuddly family shot:


I think the only solution may be to just have some of each printed, and make sure Gramma M. gets the formal one since she specifically said she did not like the whimsical one.

FYI, in case you are wondering, I used the collage feature on shutterfly studio, which is a free download on shutterfly.com. It's capabilities are minimal, but I don't have another program on this computer and my other computer is unreliable.

Start Date: Immediately
End Date: December 31, 2007

"This is the time of the year when the tempting foods abound and, if you are like me, you start promising yourself that you'll commit to healthier eating when the New Year arrives. Don't Wait!! That's what this challenge is all about! If you start now, you'll get a head start on the New Year and you'll feel great.

For this challenge, set one goal for yourself that you want to accomplish before January 1st. It might be to just lose 5 pounds before that day. You might want to commit to adding one extra day of exercise to your routine (if you're not exercising, how about adding 1 day?). You might want to cut out sodas till that day or add an extra 8 oz of water to your routine. Get the picture? Set a goal!!!"
******

My friend Becky, from Women @ Home, proposed this challenge, and I accept. Here are my goals:

1) Exercise 30 minutes, once or twice a week.
2) Drink at least 4 glasses of plain ole' water daily, plus other juices and liquids.
3) Do 25 sit-ups at least 3 times a week.

Current weight: ????
Last weigh-in: 139, before Thanksgiving.
Goal: 135

Who wants to join us?
Notice you can set just ONE goal, and it can be small.

Argh...

-another business opportunity presents itself. Dear Lord give me discernment & grace through this whole process of listening to the excited person's pitch. Have I mentioned that I am burnt out on network marketing? They are not all schemes or pyramids, but they are NOT for me. And I pray that my loved one doesn't get shafted in the process... (It does sound like the people behind it are decent people, but I can't help but be a skeptic, even if the product is pretty cool and shows potential.)

-another friend is having a very tough week. I wish I could be there to give her a great big hug, cry with her and pray with her in person. I can't share the details, but please pray. In a weird way, I am grateful to be able to say that I have been in a similar situation, because I know how much it helped me heal to hear that I was not alone.

-my house does not self-clean. I want an in-floor vacuum unit someday. That would probably require a crawl space or basement. I also want self-cleaning toilets, self-folding laundry and an irrigation system. While we're at it, something to keep the birds and bugs from eating my cherry tomatoes as they ripen would be nice.

-my yard has mole tunnels. lots of them. i hope i don't actually see one of the pests live. seeing the mulch move from one near the flowers i watered was creepy enough.

-gas was 11 cents higher less than 15 miles away today. what a ripoff. i only put $5 in the tank since I didn't want hubby to have to come rescue me, and i hope it doesn't go up before we fill up here. The oil companies are tyrants.

Yesterday was a very good day. So was today. I'm just tired, and now I "get" to go trim hubby's hair. I did get to go "gamble" at bunko tonight. I love a good girls' night out, and the fellowship is well worth the $5 lost in the bunko pot. Congrats to my lurker and neighbor, gina. :-) Oh, and the neighbor whose wife hosted is a sales rep for Russ, and he gave me some cool stuff for Baby Bear.

Argh....

Praying about a part-time, flexible job opportunity. Out of my comfort zone, but every little bit could help right now. And one in particular could also help the business owners... they would not have to feel pressure to give me work, but I would be available to fill in.

(This is the decision I forgot to post about on Sunday, if anyone paid attention to the label.)

is the weekend already over?

Friday morning, Baby Bear and I met some friends at the zoo. I'll be posting pictures on her blog soon. My parents babysat her while I went to an appointment in peace. The doctor laughed when she came in and I was laying back on the exam table already. She has a 3-year old, and understands the lack of opportunities Moms of toddlers have to rest. Anyway, so nobody makes any assumptions, no I am not pregnant again. I just had a check-up that had to be rescheduled for my annual exam after the whole situation a 6 weeks ago. When I arrived home, Baby Bear was still content with GranWendy and GranDaddy, and the neighbor girls had arrived home from school and begged to see their little doll. I'll definitely have to take advantage of my parents' proximity to us more often. It was nice to go out by myself for a change. And of course, they love spending time with Baby Bear. I felt kind of bad because the house was a WRECK when they arrived, as I had opted to play outdoors and go to the zoo instead of do housework

TechMom and Dad arrived Friday evening, after taking a detour off the interstate when they saw all the semi's exiting. They made a wise choice, as there had been a big wreck involving 6 semi's... one of the drivers was killed, diesel fuel was all over the road. Anyway, Baby Bear woke up just after they went to bed, so we snuck her in to see her other grandparents. She was in grandparent heaven, seeing all 4 of them in one day!

Saturday brought a trip to Costco for us girls, Baby Bear's first experience playing in the rain, and the boys' completion of taxes. Woo hoo! Tech M&D treated us to dinner at Chili's, where we shared an awesome blossom appetizer.. I hadn't had one of them in a long time. It was almost too much for 4 1/2 people. (Unfortunately I learned that Baby Bear's tummy can't quite handle that yet... sigh...)

This morning... Sunday School with our new teacher, and miraculously we had a good group in spite of the time change. That's pretty impressive for parents of small kids who don't always adapt well to changes is routine! Hubby and his parents went to the worship service, while I arrived at Baby bear's class to find that the 13-year old son of my co-volunteer had joined us today! He proved to be a huge help, as he had the energy that I lacked and then some. The 7 kids LOVED him. Oh, and I found out from my co-volunteer that I CD I will most likely want should be released on my birthday!! Woo hoo! He works in retail marketing for a record label, and the son of a musician is in Baby Bear's class.

It was a good weekend. I learned that I can't do everything I want to... I missed a friend's birthday party this afternoon, but it was worth it to be able to relax more with Tech M&D after church. Otherwise, we would have had to really rush. Plus, BAby Bear was tired and not very cooperative, so it was good that we went home for dinner. After dinner and the boys' naps, we walked a mile and found unlocked doors in nearby Centex homes that have not been sold yet. Looking at floor plans has always been fun, and cheap, entertainment for us. (The front doors were locked, but 2 of the back doors were unlocked. It's not breaking and entering if the sign out front says "available" and the doors are left unlocked.)

No deep thoughts right now, that's the summary of what we've been up to. Baby Bear thinks Grandpa's snore is funny. Oh, and we have Caslon's old microwave to buy us some time on getting a new one. Our old microwave is being used by my brother and his wife in L-ville, and our current microwave no longer cooks, though the clock and timer work just fine.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! I hope to post some pics from this weekend on Baby Bear's blog in the near future.

with tact?

Just how do you tactfully RSVP to a party someone's having for a product you technically sell but practically have pretty much quit selling due to burnout and not enough business to be worth the effort anymore? Here are my choices..

"Why would I come pay full price for something I can get half off from myself anyway?"
"Good luck getting your hostess benefits. I know they are the best around, but someone else is going to have to help you get your free jewelry."
"I've been donating free stuff to the Mom's group for a few months now, so what's this chick got that I don't?"
"Don't forget to save your receipt in case you need to take advantage of the Guarantee... ."
"Thanks for inviting me, but I'll be serving my family with care that day. " (Actually, I got invited to a Southern Living party first..hey, that's a good excuse without being evil. Not that I have decided if I'll go to that one either.)

Don't get me wrong, I still believe the company has the best marketing plan and hostess benefits in direct sales, but that's the catch... direct sales means you do a whole lot of work and have to keep track of it like a business as well as pretty much market yourself. Not a good thing for an organizationally challenged person like myself. It's time I quit trying to be something I'm not and let those who are good at it and/or have the desire to be serve my potential customers. Although if you really want to order something without being pressured to have a show, I do have a couple of catalogs left. And heck, if you really want to get some free jewelry as a catalog hostess or even a home show hostess, I can help you with that, too, until May. I'll even be nice about it.

I think a simple "no, thanks, sorry I can't make it" will suffice.

*******************
eating my words...

I found out who the jeweler is, and I know her Mom. She's visiting from Colorado, and has been working on building her business here. We've been wanting to meet eachother, so I might just go after all. Buy something? probably not, but the fellowship could be fun, and that is part of what it's all about. She's one who has been able to build a halfway decent business with good income, and still loves what she's doing. She's not "way up there" in MLM terms, either. Just another smaller fish in a big pond working her tail off.

theological debates

what have i done? an old acquaintance from college is in seminary where my brother and his wife are working on their graduate degrees has a blog. i found the link, and have been reading every so often. well, i've mentioned my disenchantment with the most prominent southern denomination on here before. and his most recent post kind of rekindled that. i didn't mean to pick a fight or debate, but i fear i have. oh, well. actually, i'm still more in searching mode. i was raised baptist/plymouth brethren/non-denominational (my dad grew up in the brethren assemblies, not to be confused with assembly of God)... so i was raised with the belief that baptism is only for those who have professed faith in Christ.

fast forward twenty-something years, hubby and i attend a pca church which practices covenental infant baptism. the reformed/covenental theological viewpoint, for my baptist friends, is that baptism is a symbol and seal of the covenant of grace... as believers in Christ, the covenant God made with Abraham extends to us and our children, and infant baptism replaced the sacrament of circumcision. The reason it's not mentioned much is not because it wasn't done, but because it was simply understood that children of believers would be recipients of the covenant of grace. Baptism does not save the child, it is a symbol of the promise God made to Abraham being extended to children of believers, much like circumcision was a symbol of the jews being set apart. Not all jews truly knew their Father.

well, i tend to overanalyze... everything. and while my head gets the covenental view, i confess, i am still very much baptist at heart. can't bring myself to baptize my daughter because in the context of just the new testament, all i see is "repent and be baptized" over and over and over.... my dad seems to think, well, i don't know what he thinks for sure, but i think it's pretty much sacriledge to him that we would even consider infant baptism. my in-laws, who pastored for 15 years, favor believer's baptism but figure grace pretty much covers it, so as parents it's up to us. after listening to dr. grant over and over and looking at the context of the entire Bible as he presents it, hubby now agrees with the covenental view, and would be fine with having baby bear baptized. i'm not quite ready. and now i'm initiating a discussion with someone who is getting theological training?

i take comfort in the fact that this person whose blog i've invaded does not seem to mind discussion. of course, if you don't want discussion, questions, or debate, don't blog publicly.

fyi, one site i've found quite interesting is "A Contemporary Reformed View of Infant Baptism".

i guess it will be interesting to see what food for thought/resources he (and others) can send my way!