New Year, New Goal

Operation 13.1 Before 40

There are days more frequently than I'd like to admit that I'm tired of being a stay at home Mom. It breaks my heart to type that even more than it would break my kids' hearts to read it if they ever would.  The degree I worked hard to earn so many years ago seems worthless, and the mundane duties are overwhelming and often thankless. My motivation has waned, and the thought of seeking inspiration from Mom blogs or books makes me want to puke. Unfortunately, at this point I don't know what I would pursue if I did have the opportunity to find a career for myself outside the home. I've spent years cheering on my husband, trying to encourage him, and supporting his goals and dreams, while neglecting my own and having what attempts I've made to do something good for my own well being be pretty much ignored.

I love my family deeply and am very thankful for them, but my identity somehow got buried in the piles of laundry, puke on the bedding, and 5 moves chasing the ever elusive perfect job for the main provider in 16 years. I know that we are where we're supposed to be, and this move has been better than expected, but it doesn't mean it hasn't been hard on us.

This year,  I am taking a step to change that. Last year's futile attempt was therapy... clearly that didn't work because I'm back where I started before we sunk hundreds of dollars into that.  In fact, the only thing that has consistently helped me feel better about myself and refocus has been my running.  So, this year, I'm going to tackle my biggest running related goal yet and hope that in the process, I find myself again. Because quite frankly, I don't like who I  am right now. I don't remember who my husband fell in love with so many years ago, but it certainly wasn't the person I am now.

There, I said it. If you know me and are reading this in real life, you can pray however you see fit.  It is what it is, I don't expect you to understand.  And you certainly can't fix it.
As I mentioned in my previous post/virtual journal entry, running has become a kind of therapy.  It has helped me set goals, dream beyond my expectations, and push myself farther than I knew I could go.  I have found unexpected friends who have encouraged me when I have felt like quitting, but learned that ultimately, the distance I cover is my own choice.  My own calling. In this past year of instability and transition, I ran when I could, which wasn't much.... less than 250 miles  But every mile counted. Every mile kept me from giving up.

I know I sound like a sulking teenager, but believe it or not, this year is a milestone birthday.  And since I can't decide on a career that utilizes my abilities, and I'm pretty much failing miserably at the homemaking gig and need a distraction, and I just need something for myself (as selfish as that sounds and feels when I feel like I do nothing else right, anyway), I have set a goal.

This year, I'm going to finish a half marathon, hopefully injury free.  I may journal my training progress on here occasionally... so that some day, I can look back and see how far I've come... literally and figuratively. Training takes discipline.  

That's one of my biggest weaknesses. Oh, I was an education major, I know all about the concepts of goal setting, breaking things down into manageable steps, etc.
I fail at the execution.  I'm more like an absent minded philosophy or literature professor who enjoys discussing concepts and ideas.

This won't be easy.

There was a day when I said running a mile was harder than a natural childbirth. Praise the Lord, that day has passed.  The farthest I have ever run is 9 miles, and that was a year and a half ago with my faithful running companion who pushed me to challenge myself.
I haven't run more than 4 miles in over a year, and by run, I mean run some and walk some.  I will always mean that.  It counts.  I'm not in it for speed, I'm in it for distance.

I will do it whether or not anyone cheers for me along the route or at the finish line.6 races down and not once has my family met me at a finish line. Not a single one.  Not even the 10k.  Oh, I tried not to let it bother me.  We had family in town, it was early, it would be hard to wrangle the kids, etc... 

No wonder I feel like what I do doesn't matter.  The most my family could do was step outside the front door and wave as I passed by during the race that went through our neighborhood, which was my very first. Well, it would be nice to be supported, but I'm not going to count on it. Period. I know better. Of course, if I do share this, then if they come, I'll probably feel like it is just out of duty.  Catch 22.

Everything has a price.
I'm tired of believing I'm not worth it. Of living like I'm not worth having my own goals and dreams, family comes first.  Somewhere down deep in my soul I believe that my Creator loves and redeems me, and it's time to show it. At least, I tell people I believe it.  To trust that He will help me reach this goal, and in the process work through some of my other baggage and find healing.  Some things cost monetary value, other sacrifices are personal or emotional. It's hard to be a light for others when your smothered by darkness.
While I publish this?  I don't know yet.  It's raw, it's vulnerable, it's honest. 
It reflects where I am at this point and some of what has happened. Nothing is exaggerated.
Operation 13.1 before 40 has officially commenced.... I've paid my registration and chosen my training plan.  Bring it on. I'm going to prove to myself that I can do it.
 

My daughter and I did one 5k together last fall, which was amazing to do with her. I hope she is able to move past her insecurities better than I have as she matures. I hope, at the very least, she knows that her Mom will always be cheering for her in whatever she does, believing she can do so much more than she realizes.

****

4/8/16  

I just realized I never did post this.  I originally wrote the above in February.  Well... here it is. I am pleased to report that 3 weeks into my training "plan" (I use the term loosely, it's quite modified) my completed distances are right on track for where I should be according to my target distance chart.  I'm off to a good start. The family is supposedly planning on meeting me at the finish line, but to be honest, I am not holding my breath on that.

 

losing it

My metabolism, that is.  I weigh more now than I did when I got pregnant with either of my children.  I want to lose 20 lbs. The question is, how badly?  I've blogged about this before... the whole exercise/weight loss/fitness/health realm.  And while there may have been a time in my life when I was referred to as "chicken legs," and there might also have been a time when I could have eaten whatever I wanted to without gaining much weight, that time has obviously come to an end.


Hubby doesn't seem to mind the few extra curves.  MY problem with my physique is that a lot of the weight settles at my tummy, and other areas I'd like to expand don't balance it out enough.  And when someone asked me if I was expecting, too, I knew it was time to bring back the motivation, somehow.

I picked up a copy of the Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred DVD last week. I had been scoping it out, and the price was right. Happy Mother's Day to me.  To be honest, while I like the Wii Fit and Wii active, I was getting sick of cartoon-like characters telling me what to do. I'm not sure if it will be any easier with Jillian Michaels leading the way, but at least she has "adaptations" for those of us who are weaker.  I just wish the modifications were shown by someone whose body resembles mine a little more.... not the flat-ab chick without an inch of bounce in her flesh.

Day 1 down.
20 lbs. to lose


How long will it take?
 

my Mii is not my friend right now

Up 7.7 lbs in 39 days.  I blame it on the Easter Bunny and my trip to Seattle.  ;-P  Hubby is home this week, so it looks like I will try to make it to the exercise room.

Only 8 more pieces of Easter chocolate left.... for all of us.

Exercise Log

Tuesday- 15 min Wii Fit, 30 min My Fitnesss Trainer Wii game (MFT)
Wednesday- 22 min elliptical
Thurs- 10 min Wii Fit Hula, 20 Min MFT

The goal- Do something every day.

Bear tried to exercise with me tonight.  It was cute.  She has her Mommy's "coordination."
 ****
Saturday - 20 min elliptical, 3 sets arm weights

a wii/fitness update

I hit the 20 hour mark on my Wii fit yesterday. That means I'm not using it to procrastinate TOO much, but I am using it. And my last few Wii Age Test Results have been under 40, today I actually hit my real age. I am .7 lb away from my first major weight goal. WOO HOO!!!

All this in spite of an allergy attack and bronchitis which have limited my activity level. I have not run outside in a while... allergies don't like it, but I plan to resume my Couch to 5K variation soon.

I'm cutting back on sodas, because they make the eczema patches on my hands worse when I drink them. I have replaced sodas with VitaRain flavored water, from Costco. It's half the cost of vitamin water at wal-mart and other grocery stores, and significantly less than the VitaminWater brand at Costco... and we like all the flavors in the multipack. I can only drink so much plain water at a time.

*******
I'm having a purse/tote/bag/accessory party tonight... One of my friends just became a consultant for Thirty-One Gifts <---(CLICK), and I love the tote I bought at the party she hosted last month, so I figured I'd host a show and help her get her business started. They offer embroidery personalization at the most affordable price I've seen anywhere... $6! And this months special is only $1 on the new kids' line.

So if you live in the Nashville area, have not already been invited and happen to be free, come join us around 7:00!!!

Training has begun!

I've been doing my Wii Fit somewhat consistently since I got it, but my weight loss has plateaued. With the arrival of Spring-like weather, I have decided to get out as much as possible. So far, that means I've gone for 2 strolls with the kiddos, 1-2 miles each, in the past 3 days. Tonight, I jogged/walked about a mile in 15 minutes. Not impressive, but progress. Two neighbors asked where the kids were as we passed eachother. :)

During college, I would take breaks from studying by jogging on the fitness trail or the Quad. Sometimes, it was simply a means of procrastination. When I came home for the summer, I sometimes ran down my parents driveway and winding street, or went over to the local fitness trail. I've never been a distance runner, but I have always found jogging and walking to bring a sense of accomplishment to my weak body. And I used my inhaler before I left as a preventative measure. I think it helped. A lot.

So now there is a goal in place. Do a 5k within the next 6 months. Try to run/walk 2-3 times per week and do Wii fit, a video, etc... at home in between every day for at least 15 minutes.
Running a 5k will be tough, but I don't mind starting slowly and doing a combo of walking/jogging if I must.

Have you run a 5K? Would you?

So, a few weeks ago I told hubby we should try to run a 5K together. This was before he pulled a muscle and also before I had actually gone for a jog without kids this season. I have at least 3 good friends that I know of who have run 5K's... 2 in the past couple of years.

I'm borderline asthmatic, and have used that as an excuse not to run for years. I LOVE walking, but running and I, well... have never seemed like a good fit.

Now that the weather is getting nicer, I want to add some outdoor "me" time.

I went on our church's women's retreat and found out that a woman I barely know but became a little better acquainted with is a runner. She mentioned starting slowly but consistently, but unfortunately that's all I remember from our conversation.

Anyway, I googled 5K for beginners and found this link:

Couch to 5K

Anyone want to join me in the elusive quest to get fit, or offer feedback? Have you attempted to run a 5K? Would you? Why or why not?

I haven't convinced myself that I will do this yet, but it's a possibility...

day 9...

so I have exercised at least 20 minutes or more for the past 9 days.
weight seems to be basically holding steady. that must mean the fat i am losing is turning into muscle. 20 wii minutes is really like 30-40 real time minutes, but as i am opening up more reps and don't have to watch the demos, etc., the time estimate will be closer to reality. i hope.

hubby and i are toying with the idea of trying to run a 5k together. i have no doubt that he could do it... that would take a ton more discipline on my part than i have every had.

still a wii bit unfit, but getting better

We've had our Wii Fit for about a month now, and I am getting the hang of it. Overall, it was a good purchase. Now that I have had more reps open up on many of the exercises, I don't feel like I am wasting as much time clicking between activities. So for those of you who have not yet jumped on the Wii Fit bandwagon, here are some of my thoughts...

Pros:
-Yoga and Strength Training form is taught better than many of the exercise videos I have done, because the balance board enables it to give you feedback on your position.
-Balance games are fun.
-Aerobic exercises start slow for novices like myself who have never had much coordination.
-No need to leave the house.
-No embarassment about lack of coordination while others in a class are stable and I'm wobbling on one limb.
-Tracks your time, suggests excercise sets (strength and yoga)
-When the kids need you, you can stop and resume later.
-Lets you document exercises and household activities for "credits", tracks progress, to a limited extent.
-Lets you figure in your clothes' weight.

Cons:
-Initial time "wasted" clicking between screens etc. may just be more than the time it would take me to drive to the gym.
-The BMI calculator is not accurate. It has no way of figuring in muscle mass. This is important for people like my hubby, who actually have muscles.
-Not only is the BMI innacurate for children, it may call healthy kids who it inaccurately thinks are overweight obese.... the machines sense of humor could hurt some young ones' feelings. Maybe they should just skip the body test and do the fun stuff. (Bear hasn't seemed to notice, but apparently Elizabeth Hasselback has spoken out against it on The View.) Or maybe they'll just talk back to it like I do.
-Some of the tips and hints are repetitive and get annoying.
-The Fit suggests you get together and play with friends, but the Wii is not configured to recognize more than one balance board at a time.

Am I glad we have it? Yes. Am I getting overwhelmingly great results? No, but I am not consistent, so that's not entirely the Wii's fault. I am noticing an increase in endurance, balance, and coordination on certain exercises. But I wish the weather would get warmer so I could supplement my Wii Activity and videos with a low tech-jog with my new running shoes. (First new pair in 7 years.)

Oh, and just to track progress.... my size 12's are getting loose. I weighed about 170 lbs. with Buddy inside me, and I am now around 145, depending on the normal variables.

a Wii bit unfit....

So, I'm like 43 Wii years. Bear is 33... but I'm sure it's because she is a normal wiggly 3 year old AND has her mommy's lack of coordination.

I stopped by our local game store on Monday, and they actually had just gotten more Fits in stock! I was going to do a free trial week at the gym where hubby goes, but the idea of going out in the cold at night to work out is just not appealing to me.... yes, I realize it would be warm there. It's just not the same as when hubby and I could go work out together.

So, yesterday I did about 15 minutes of yoga, and today I did about 25 min of yoga and strength exercises. Bear thinks we're doing gymnastics, because the stretches must remind her of the warm ups they do at her class. :)

We have a beach trip coming up next fall and although my swimsuit from 2 years ago does fit, a little bit of toning would do me some good.

Oh, I'm also trying to drink more water.

once upon a time...

i ordered a prenatal yoga video from amazon.
i actually watched and attempted to do the exercises on that video.
i felt good and relaxed after doing said exercises (when i did them without a 2 1/2 year old underfoot).

it's time to be able to remember when i last did those exercises...

buenas noches, y'all!

almost wordless wednesday(it's hard to practice yoga with a monkey on your back)

for more ww posts, visit 5 minutes for mom or the ww hq.

Procratinaholic Weekender

Ok, so I'm getting a little behind on my finding focus list. the counter is still messy, meal plan is not made, and laundry not caught up. But I went to the gym for the 2nd day in a row! Woo hoo! We signed a contract with them 2 years ago, just before I found out I was pregnant with Baby Bear. I haven't been diligent in my working out, though I can't imagine why. ;-) Well, when I weighed myself yesterday, I was pleased to discover that in spite of only finding 2 things out of about 15 that I tried on that I liked well enough to buy when I last went shopping, my weight is back to what it was when I first got pregnant. Alas, weight might be the same, but my body's not quite hanging the same. You know, the whole post baby body syndrome. That disheartening shopping trip motivated me to use what's left of our gym membership. We don't care for how the company runs things, and hubby's work got a contract enabling him to work out for free elsewhere. Still, 2 days in a row. I'm gonna be sore tomorrow....

Otherwise, we took it easy today. We skipped church, choosing not to subject people to baby bear's runny nose and fever (which is dropping), slept in, and relaxed.