warning: personal, may require tissues

i didn't want to post about this until i had spoken with my parents and hubby's parents. for those of you who are family, i'm sorry i'm not sharing in person or on the phone, but typing is easier than talking right now. i tried to talk about it with someone last night and couldn't without crying, so i'm not going to bother trying right now. i had to have hubby tell his mom, and while i made it through the conversation with my mom ok, it wasn't easy.

anyway, last weekend i took a couple of home pregnancy tests. they had very slight lines on them, so i didn't know what to think. i wanted an expert opinion... lo and behold, we were at tech mom's house. so i had her take a look at them , since she reads tests like this for a living, sort of.... she said they looked + but give it a week or so and test again... we tried not to be too excited, of course, but we were. i even asked baby bear what she would think if mommy has a baby in her belly, and she started poking my belly button and kissed my tummy. (she likes tummies anyway, i'm not sure she really understood the question.)

this week, i started experiencing nausea and my gag reflex kicked in a few times, more than it usually does. i was beginning to trust the tests. i called my doctor and made an appointment for next week, to go in and confirm. i was due for my annual check-up anyway, so the timing was perfect. when the secretary made the appointment, of course she asked all the standard questions when i told her it might be more than just a regular exam... i told her the date of my last cycle, and about the tests. she changed the slot to a first OB check-up just in case.

yesterday morning, i took another test.... positive. darker line than the previous two. my hopes were up by this point. hubby and i had accepted that even though we didn't feel ready for another child financially, we know God is in control. children are gifts, and quite honestly, i don't feel like i should try to control whether or not we have them right now, especially since we know we would like baby bear to have siblings at some point.

God is in control. that's what I'm clinging to right now. i started bleeding last night. just a little. this morning, it's increased. if the tests were truly positive, things aren't looking good right now. i will call my doctor's office first thing tomorrow, see about changing my appointment to earlier in the week. preferably, tomorrow. according to the calendar, if there is or was a baby, he or she should be 6 1/2 weeks along right now. the size of a lentil bean. the heart would be developing, and limbs would be in their early flap formations. my cycle is irregular, so that's speculative. there is the possibility that my hopes were up foolishly, and my body is just being more irregular than normal. except for four darn tests i've taken at home that implied it was more than my imagination...

thank you for your prayers, loved ones (and strangers who may happen across this post). i'm not really in a chatting mood right now, so forgive me if i lurk unannounced on your blogs.

p.s. it's hard to have too much of a pity party when your 15-month old is bouncing on her cute little behind to Big Bird and the gang singing their ABC's. she is the cutest.