cravings and contentment

note... this post is a little personal, might make some uncomfortable... read at your own risk)

i've been craving popcorn for at least a week. it has turned into a nightly ritual. after baby bear is tucked into her crib, i pop a bag of popcorn and munch on it as i read blogs or post on my own.
i also found myself going back to my calendar, where, like farmwife, i note my cycle. i'm so irregular, it's annoying. i also have historically had a hard time about 8 days a month... emotionally and physically. (those of you blessed with short periods have no idea. i had to go home early from school on several occasions, it was that bad.) i'm thankful to say that the medicine i was prescribed seems to really be helping the emotional part of that. and since having a baby, the physical part isn't quite as bad as before, but it's still worse than some women have ever had to deal with.) well, after baby bear was born, hubby and i (mostly i) decided that at least for the time being, we would use other means of birth control besides chemical. so, now that my cycle is back to being regularly irregular, if it's just a day or too "late", i find myself wondering "am i....?" i then usually go to the dollar tree for a test or two, and my visitor comes the day or two after wasting a buck. i was beginning to wonder, "am i.....?" again this month. until today. bought the test and everything, but didn't waste it. didn't need to, so now i'm stocked for the next "am i...?" incident. so, my cravings are apparently my body's new response to my pms. i like this symptom much better than what i used to experience. though at some point i will have to practice self control and not snack so much after 8 p.m. today at mom's group, i was looking around at the 2 and 3 month old nurslings with their mommies, realizing how quickly time has passed and how much i loved having a baby (even with the stresses and lack of consistent nursing success). it's funny how my mind can minimize the hard times when i see the wonderful outcome. anyway, i was wondering.. "am i...ready?" thankfully, this month i don't have to be. which is a good thing, because if you scroll down to the very bottom of my blog, we have a family vacation planned in a certain amount of time, and if i had been pregnant, baby's due date would have been a little too close for comfort to that trip. though a beachfront delivery could be exciting.

now on to topic two of this post... contentment

i used to think my struggles with contentment were something purely spiritual. in the past month, i've realized that perhaps they weren't. oh, some part of the struggle is. however, for as long as i can remember, no matter how hard i tried to "let go" of that tugging underlying anxiety that seemed to be there for no reason, i couldn't. i would pray more, read the Bible more, listen to more music. it always returned. as a teenager and college student pondering my life's future, why i didn't have a boyfriend, etc..., my dad always quoted the verse "godliness with contentment is great gain." it drove me nuts. i was trying to be godly. i knew i should be content. but..... over time, God did give me a level of contentment with my life. He thern blessed me with a wonderful husband and supportive family. most recently, He gave us a perfect little girl. and He helped me let go of my pride and consider help that i could have had a long time ago. it's not like taking a "happy pill", no it's so much more subtle. i'm thankful for that, too. i didn't want a drastic change, just to feel like myself again.

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hubby's not home tonight. he is actually staying with his parents', since he had to work near them today. when baby bear and i called him, i put him on speakerphone so she could hear daddy's voice. she started saying "dada" and looking at the garage door, awaiting his arrival. when she realized he wasn't coming through the door, she started looking at our family picture on the wall.

good night my friends, my heart has wandered long enough for the evening. or at least, my fingers have.