just. can't. sleep. (might be tmi...)

i don't want to get my hopes up. but honestly, if all my periods were like this, i would have nothing to complain about. which totally does not make sense to me if i am truly experiencing a miscarriage. today, or yesterday, the bleeding slowed to spotting. and even at it's heaviest a couple of days ago, whatever this is that i am experiencing was still light compared to my normal flow. cramping has been very rare... no need for pain meds, that's how light any cramping has been. on monday, i had convinced myself i had taken 4 false positives. yes, i know that's unlikely. when we saw nothing on the ultrasound, the doctor did say it could be possible that it's too early to detect anything... and then the blood tests came back.. barely positive. barely pregnant.

so the question is, am i still? do i have the beginning form of a baby developing inside me? is there a reason to hope? yes, i realize that a pregnancy could interfere with beach vacation plans, especially one with complications. i think the family would forgive me if that were to happen. i know if caslon turned up pregnant and had to stay home, as much as i would miss her and photo guy, we would be ecstatic to have another niece or a nephew on the way. or crt for that matter. tech mom... now that would be a medical impossibility to my understanding, i think we'd all be a little worried.

anyway, i may be crazy but i have gone ahead and added a pregnancy label here in blogger. God is bigger than i. He knows what is going on inside my body, even when the doctors and i do not. and while staying off my feet seems to be helping my symptoms (reducing bleeding), and cramps are minimal if at all, i can't give up hope just yet. next monday, i may find out the hcg levels have dropped, but since there were hcg levels to be measured, and if this is a miscarriage can i please have it this easy during my normal periods?... i can't give up hope. with God, there is always reason to hope. His Son conquered death so that we might know Him personally. that is eternal Hope.

i can pray. i will pray that regardless of the outcome, God will give me peace. because if i find out i have truly lost or am in the process of losing a baby, i will tend to be heartbroken. even if it's not exactly planned, when you're not doing anything to avoid getting pregnant, it means you are ready to love a child if God so chooses to send one. at least, that's what it means for me.
i will also pray that if my cycle is just really weird and we have a tiny baby, God will protect our child. i pray that all this insanity will end, that my body will do whatever it needs to to protect this new life, and that my next blood test will give us hope. i've done a little research, and it looks like it's normal for hcg levels to be tested within 72 hours... i suppose my doctor wants to wait a week because that will really tell us if the numbers are truly going up or down. so, i wait.

in the meantime, the insomnia continues. i woke up to pee and cannot get back to sleep. so i've taken the laptop upstairs where i will not disturb my beloved. i've turned the heat back up to a level that is comfortable with blankets. i will not allow the disappointment of early morning darkness (versus that glow that occurs when weather forecasters are correct and we actually get a covering of snow) to take away my hope. after this insomnia passes, perhaps i will awaken to a soft covering of snow.

bad mom


baby bear guzzled her white grape juice(diluted) in about 3 minutes, so i refilled her sippy cup with water. i just laughed when she threw it on the floor upon realizing that it was not filled with the same thing. if she's thirsty enough, she'll drink the water.

now she seems to be trying to open the new packs of suppies that i picked up on clearance for her cousins, as if they will have juice in them. poor, delusioned child.

update

baby bear took a bath while i got the pot roast into the crock pot. (i can see the bathtub from the kitchen- it's terrific!) she had spit up a bunch of milk on herself, so i figured both of us would be happier if she got a bath.

now she's roaming around, playing in just a diaper. gotta let a baby be a baby. and she is still a baby, after all. she would make a great huggies commercial right now. i have the heat set a little higher than normal so she won't be too cold. i was not up to wrestling her, and a little almost nakey time never hurt a kid.

i'm on the coach, still in my pj's with my feet propped up. the radio is on, and the last 2 songs have been encouraging.

my emotions/feelings keep fluctuating; the symptoms of miscarriage seem stronger than the symptoms of pregnancy... but it's a new experience, and part of me wants to hold onto hope that everything is ok. so i will rest, just in case...

there's an 80% chance of snow tomorrow. we have stocked up (we were almost out of groceries anyway... we were out of milk and juice. that's bad.), as the south shuts down for the mere threat half the time, and even 2 inches can incapacitate, especially if there is ice involved. it's been cold here... in the single digits with the wind chill, so i can only imagine what some of you have to deal with right now. however, the sky has been clear... winter clear, and even though it's been windy, the crisp cool air is refreshing for a moment. there are times i miss having distinct seasons. you can bet i'll post pics if we actually get snow. however, half the time it goes just around us when it is forecast, or warms up enough to make it a gross wet mix... at least we had a beautiful sunset over the western hills last night.

In case anyone else wants to know about HCG levels...

The roller coaster continues.

Right now, i don't know what to think. My doctor called, and the blood test was barely positive, with an HCG level of 35. She said to expect it is probably a very early miscarriage, and to have another blood test taken next Monday. She didn't say anything about bedrest or anything, but I guess I will try to take it easy just in case...

So I guess that means the Dollar Tree tests were reliable and not false... and I was probably less than 7 week pregnant after all.

Please pray for me and this baby that I may still be carrying... I am trusting that God will do what is best. If that means taking the baby this early, as it appears is happening, I have to believe that it is because something was seriously wrong... or maybe we will have a big miracle. My bleeding is continuing and beginning to feel more like my normal period, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

Thank you all for your prayers. They mean so much to us.

i thought i had patience...

until i received 3 phone calls in a row from concerned friends wondering what i've heard... i'm assuming no news is good news, as in nothing is "wrong" per se. early pregnancy would be good news, but so would confirmation of no miscarriage or irregular bloodwork of any capacity. after the melanoma scare i had a few years ago, i tend to think of cancer possibilities when things seem abnormal.

one of the friends who called is a new daddy to a little boy they're calling "mac". (new, as in born last week.) they apparently had several false positive tests, too... who knew? anyway, his wife, their new son, and their 2 daughters are doing great. it's comforting to know that if they are false positives, i am not the only one who has had them!

truck drivers (& companies) do not own the road, but they think they do

I am thankful that my sis and her family were ok after a truck edged into them in their lane. I am also thankful that the hundreds of times my husband stood on the shoulder of an interstate and helped motorists or wrote tickets, he did not get killed by a semi driver. I know there are many good drivers out there, but unfortunately there also many lunatics that forget the vehicles they are driving cannot be driven like 4-cylinder chevette's or V-8 sports cars, for that matter. or else they are irresponsibly driving too many hours after not getting enough rest... and then they try to claim "no fault" when they look away or reach for their coffee for a second... and some under-paid state trooper actually bought whatever story the truck driver gave him, if the report is saying "no fault."

pray that at the very least, their insurance doesn't go up... at best, that the truck driver's insurance company gets off whatever high horse they think they're on...

4 positive tests can't be wrong, can they?

maybe so! urine test at doc's office was negative, and she didn't find a sack in the ultrasound.. so i'm either really early with implantation bleeding or not pregnant at all (starting VERY late). at least there was nothing negative on the ultrasound, as in no bad stuff. i should get the results from the blood test this afternoon. (the doc's office is right next to the hospital so they run the tests over there instead of having their own lab in house). my cell phone is charging downstairs, it's a little tired out right now.

lessons learned 1) when you retest after getting a positive home test, buy a different brand for comparison. 2) don't believe a positive is a positive til you have the doctor's word... even if it has been almost 7 weeks since your last period and you've been relatively regular since your baby was born.

hopefully we'll find out for sure this afternoon, but right now it's looking like a false alarm... but i'd rather have nothing be wrong (other than a whacked-out cycle) than have lost a little one.... i'll let y'all know when I hear the blood test results...
*****

after i got home from picking up baby bear, gina called... 2 1/2 year old pixie saw us drive away and thought i stole her grandparents' suv! (we have the same color and model of vehicle.)

waiting..

baby bear is munching on shredded colby-jack and mixed veggies, with a big sippy cup full of milk. she remains pantless, i hope to finish dressing her before dropping her off at gina's on my way to meet hubby.

i've rested as much as i can today, nothing is really new.... yet. i am surprsingly at peace with the whole situation, at least us much as i can be. why cause my body any more stress than it's apparently already under?

i just have to add that i feel sad for people who don't have good in-laws. tech mom kept her word and kept the secret for us, she didn't even tell dad. so the rest of the family was a tad bit surprised (maybe more than a tad) by e-mails and blog posts, but i just couldn't tell everyone in person. i was hoping to come up with a creative way to announce the news around valentine's day, or at least with a valentine theme before then. guess that won't be necessary.

other than crazy hair and refusing to wear pants, baby bear has been a doll today. she even napped for almost 2 hours this morning... pray that she'll be in a good mood for Gina, who has a pixie and peanut of her own.

update...

doctor's appt. scheduled for 1:20 so hubby can come. i figure that a few hours will not make a big difference. in the meantime, i'm trying to stay off my feet, drink lots of water, etc... symptoms are heavier but do seem to be fluctuating and are not quite as heavy as my normal period (i am not one of the lucky ones who has light, 3 day periods and gets the rest of the month to relax). if this is tmi, get over it. reality isn't always pleasant.

thank you for your prayers!!!!!!

warning: personal, may require tissues

i didn't want to post about this until i had spoken with my parents and hubby's parents. for those of you who are family, i'm sorry i'm not sharing in person or on the phone, but typing is easier than talking right now. i tried to talk about it with someone last night and couldn't without crying, so i'm not going to bother trying right now. i had to have hubby tell his mom, and while i made it through the conversation with my mom ok, it wasn't easy.

anyway, last weekend i took a couple of home pregnancy tests. they had very slight lines on them, so i didn't know what to think. i wanted an expert opinion... lo and behold, we were at tech mom's house. so i had her take a look at them , since she reads tests like this for a living, sort of.... she said they looked + but give it a week or so and test again... we tried not to be too excited, of course, but we were. i even asked baby bear what she would think if mommy has a baby in her belly, and she started poking my belly button and kissed my tummy. (she likes tummies anyway, i'm not sure she really understood the question.)

this week, i started experiencing nausea and my gag reflex kicked in a few times, more than it usually does. i was beginning to trust the tests. i called my doctor and made an appointment for next week, to go in and confirm. i was due for my annual check-up anyway, so the timing was perfect. when the secretary made the appointment, of course she asked all the standard questions when i told her it might be more than just a regular exam... i told her the date of my last cycle, and about the tests. she changed the slot to a first OB check-up just in case.

yesterday morning, i took another test.... positive. darker line than the previous two. my hopes were up by this point. hubby and i had accepted that even though we didn't feel ready for another child financially, we know God is in control. children are gifts, and quite honestly, i don't feel like i should try to control whether or not we have them right now, especially since we know we would like baby bear to have siblings at some point.

God is in control. that's what I'm clinging to right now. i started bleeding last night. just a little. this morning, it's increased. if the tests were truly positive, things aren't looking good right now. i will call my doctor's office first thing tomorrow, see about changing my appointment to earlier in the week. preferably, tomorrow. according to the calendar, if there is or was a baby, he or she should be 6 1/2 weeks along right now. the size of a lentil bean. the heart would be developing, and limbs would be in their early flap formations. my cycle is irregular, so that's speculative. there is the possibility that my hopes were up foolishly, and my body is just being more irregular than normal. except for four darn tests i've taken at home that implied it was more than my imagination...

thank you for your prayers, loved ones (and strangers who may happen across this post). i'm not really in a chatting mood right now, so forgive me if i lurk unannounced on your blogs.

p.s. it's hard to have too much of a pity party when your 15-month old is bouncing on her cute little behind to Big Bird and the gang singing their ABC's. she is the cutest.

unspoken...

to vaguely play off one of jaci velsquez' songs, i've gotta leave my heart unspoken on here right now. we're watching "the devil wear's prada", hopefully it will take my mind off what's nagging at me. thankfully it's not unspoken to Him.

i wanted to go to the library today. drove there, and it was closed. there was a freaky looking man sitting in his car next to the gate next to the playground, so i opted not to get out and let baby bear play anyway. it looks like a nice playground, so maybe we'll go back on a day the library is open and other people are around.

so, we went to babies r' us to browse. i set a baby bjorn potty chair on the ground, baby bear clung to my leg as though to say ,"i'm not getting on that thing." she did climb on a step stool, kind of laying across it with her belly. then she zoomed over to the jump-a-roos and started playing with the toys on them. nothing jumped out at me from the clearance racks... there were some cute shoes, but nothing major, so i actually did not buy anything there. in the toy debt., baby bear liked the leapfrog telephonics toy. i checked the vowel sounds, and that particular toy actually does say both the long and short vowel sounds. her alphabet bus only says the short sounds. she also liked this little ball that is plastic/rubbery and kind of has honeycomb holes that she can grab. it was way overpriced for a little plastic. she was not happy about letting go of it, but she recovered quickly. when we got out to the car, a boy and his mom were in the car next to us with an adorable black teacup poodle. baby bear saw the dog and started pointing and smiling. the lady rolled down her window, and it turned out she'd put a premie sized onesie on the pup, and purchased a set of bows and headbands for it. my baby girl doesn't really even wear hair bows! she just tears them out. what really cracked me up was when the boy, who seemed like any normal 4 or 5 year old boy said, "isn't she cute?!?"

final stop, the dollar store . the learn and groove music table that we bought baby bear for Christmas sucks the life out of batteries. i had read the reviews before Christmas, and did not find any major issues. i read them again this week, and found another couple of people with the same comment. why it only takes 3 AA's with all the little things it plays and lights up is beyond me. the replacement batteries did the trick, so i guess we will not be taking it back. i'll just try to remember to turn the darn thing off when baby bear is not playing with it to help make the batteries last longer than 3 weeks. while we were there, baby bear picked out a blue bouncey ball with tigger on it. her choices were: ariel, pooh, and belle. i wonder if she would have picked spider man if i had let that be an option. she also wanted a bag of trail mix, but of course that got vetoed by mommy. why pay $4 for 4 batteries when you can buy them for $1? gotta see how much the big packs are at costco, though... they just might be worth it.

when we arrived home, the sun was shining brightly, so even though it was cool, it was actually warm enough for us to play outside for a few minutes. 3 of the crocus bulbs have bloomed (in various locations... 1 under the birch tree and 2 in the flower bed), and there are more on their way. it looks like the tips of some daffodils are peeking up out of the ground, too. hopefully more will come in a couple of months... i'm thrilled with the crocuses, even though january seems a little early for bulbs to bloom. they brighten the bleakness of the season. so far the deep yellow with purple centers seem to be the early risers. crocus bulbs are relatively cheap and apparently not as well liked by bulb-eating rodents. many of the daffs have failed to come up, but the crocuses seem to be propogating quite nicely. i think this is year 3.

i talked to my friend Chatterbox today. we spoke for an hour, which is very easy to do with her. it was good to finally catch up, we had not spoken since before Christmas. she lives about an hour south of here, practically to alabama, southeast of where zann & farmwife's family lives, if i remember correctly. a few months ago, her family was in a bad car wreck. her right foot was basically crushed. well, a 2nd surgery is scheduled for next friday, 2/2. pray that this one goes better than the first. she has a little girl who is just 11 days older than baby bear, and not having full function of her foot is a pain. she hops around all day, so i'm sure her other leg is really strong.

that's my book for the day. baby bear is napping, hubby is home early after going in early, and tonight will be taco night.

Farmwife Inspired me to do this blogthing.... Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody. In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think. And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends. You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that.

What Color Purple Are You?

*****
I have to tag Caslon & Becca on this one, because they used to have purple bedrooms.
Anyone else who wants to, tell us what color purple you are!

hear ye, hear ye!

tech mom, caslon, and crt have broken their silence on their blogs this week!

one of those days

not bad, really... except for having to clean baby bear's torpedoes out of the bath tub for the 2nd time in a week. i'm thinkin' potty training sounds very good... if it works, of course. i don't want it to be the beginning of a 2 year struggle by starting too early. there are some people that call early potty training effication communication, or EC... right now that sounds a little bit crazy. except when it's time to clean torpedoes out of the tub again.

it's been one of those days when mommy just didn't want to do much besides play with baby bear. baby bear got two baths... mommy's still in her satin pj pant/shirt set that she got for christmas. it's one of those days when i just don't feel like using capital letters. one of those days when cooking means crock pot italian pork chops, baked sweet potato, and sauteed spinach... and it turns out pretty close to perfect. hubby scarfs down his pork chops and sweet potatoes, then he oh-so-generously shares his spinach with baby bear, who claims mommy has not fed her at all. when the laundry stays in the laundry basket in the middle of the living room. oh, and when verifying an annual appointment counts as accomplishing something.

yep, it's been one of those days. and i liked it!

smokin' the pipe

uh, not really. hubby just took a breathing treatment. he asked if i knew if his sister is able to handle them... his heart is now racing. that's what happens to me when i take them, too, but they usually do the trick. he really wants to get rid of his cough, and is hoping this will work. (all of us feel better except for his lingering cough.)

multi-tasking, anyone?

i, unlinke my sisters-in-law and younger sister, do not typically multi-task well. my mom refers to herself as one-at-a-time wendy, and i inherited that trait. however, i also try not to let that stop me... too much.

baby-bear's lunchtime attempt to feed herself strawberry applesauce with a spoon resulted in a little mess. consequently, she needed a bath. while she played in the tub, i cleaned the mirror, sink, counter, and toilet. she found the mirror cleaning and toilet scrubbing quite amusing. she also figured out how to blow bubbles in the bathwater as she lay on her tummy. i've been waiting for that to happen. i haven't bothered showing her because i figured she would discover it in her own time.

later, i took care of the mirrors, counter, and toilet in the other bathroom. she was not happy when i shut her out of the bathroom so i could scrub the toilet without her getting her hands anywhere nearby. i could have sworn she said "open!" as she banged on the door from the bedroom, but i was probably imagining things. maybe i should have just set her in the dry tub so she wouldn't hang from my legs as i tried to clean the rest....

Snapshots from the wedding....

the happy couple- GuapoCop & PT

World's Best Teacher, Air Traffic Chica, Catgirl, Me, Hubby

I'm not going to tag anyone this time... but if you want to do it on your blog, go for it. Or just put your results in my comments. There's no shock in the percentages here...

Your Brain is 87% Female, 13% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NASB)

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
the Everlasting God, the Lord,
the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.

He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.

Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

Register to win $50 in Usborne books through my friend Sandy's site! No purchase is necessary, and a new drawing is held every month.

Pray for Kari

I heard about this situation through my wanderings in the blogosphere...
seriously... read and pray... kari is a mom with 2 daughters who is battling cancer. Her husband is changing jobs, so they have to go on cobra for helath insurance, which everyone no is hideously expensive, but better than nothing....

Using that gym membership...

weighed in tonight. I'm holding steady, which I guess is ok considering it's been a couple of weeks since I exercised. 3 more months to lose my pooch, 3 months after that to keep it off so i can wear a swimsuit and not be quite so self-conscious.

After using the exercise bike, I went next door to Fashion Bug and hit the clearance rack... I love extra 40% off sales!

It's cookie tag!

You Are a Jam Cookie

On the outside, you project a straight-laced, innocent vibe. But on the inside, you're complex, exotic, and full of flavor.

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

Funny thing is these are not my favorite cookies... I guess that means I'm not into self-mutilation.

I'm tagging Tech Mom, Becca, Zann, Ian's Master, Sunny & Stephanie this time around. Click on the link under the picture to take the quiz, then copy and paste the code into a new post. Oh, and don't forget to tag someone else to keep the fun going!!!

sacred union & party time

PT & GuapoCop's wedding was beautiful. This was the first Orthodox wedding I've been to. I'm not going to get into theological differences here, because that would spoil the point of the weekend. The ceremony was one of the most beautiful and sacred wedding ceremonies I have seen, and quite different than most I have attended. Very traditional in the Othrodox customs, including the "chamber chorus" accompanying the ceremony from the church balcony. I may post the text from the program so you all can read about the meaningful traditions they incorporated. The chorus singing the Lord's prayer was the most beautiful rendition I have ever heard. GuapoCop is one of 11 kids, and several of PT's relatives came up from their distant homes, and both families seemed to love getting to know eachother. PT had said the reception would be simple: cake, punch, nuts, maybe sandwiches. Well, her Mom is a terrific cook of Italian heritage. She compiled two binders of her recipes and typed them out for her daughter as a shower gift. When we were in college, we would drive over to their house for a weekend, and she would feed us well. So while PT said the reception would be simple, I knew her Mom would go above and beyond PT's expectations... and I was right. Scrumptious finger foods, dips, etc... champagne punch and regular punch. Her mother takes great joy in serving her loved ones, cooking is one of her love languages.

At the wedding, we noticed that the mothers of the bride and groom stand about the same height... under 5 feet tall. PT is also petite, though not quite so short, and her hubby is not huge, they compliment eachother so well. They are petite, spunky women who love their families passionately. The church family was also very welcoming, and I loved being able to put faces with names I have so often heard PT talk about. It was a fairly small wedding, mostly family, close friends and closest coworkers, and everyone was obviously there to celebrate the bride and groom as they begin their life together.

We were honored to be invited to the post-reception party at the home of GuapoCop's brother. It was there that we truly felt the Hispanic warmth and love of fun. Hubby and I grew up in very conservative homes (dancing was /is practically a sin to some family members on his side), and GuapoCop's relatives were eager to try to teach us to salsa and meringue. Hubby was a good sport, considering how he's felt this week. I dragged him onto the dance floor (the middle of the living room, couches and chairs pushed to the sides), and told him it's the first time in 8 1/2 years we've really been in a place we could dance together, and he really did his best to humor me. There's just somethin' about the Latin beat that brings out the hidden free spirit in me. I tripped on my boot heels a few times, as I have "dos pies izquierdas" (two left feet)... GuapoCop's relatives laughed when I said that in Spanish... they thought I was just kidding, until I actually did wipe out. I am a KLUTZ, combined with new boots with heels... bad combo... I never outgrew the 12 year old clumsy stage. (There's a reason our old laptop has a fractured monitor... that's another story.) Anyway, PT was still in her beautiful gown until after the daddy/daughter dance, then she and GuapoCop changed to match the casual atmosphere. We enjoyed conversation, laughter with new friends and old, and I think GuapoCop's family appreciated my attempts to speak to them in their native language.

It was a busy, beautiful day. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend must be, but she described it as a perfect wedding day. That's what you hope to hear from a new bride.

Good night, friends. May you rest well.

resting in memphis

we made it here, dropped off our contribution for the post-reception party for family and closer friends. we didn't do a shower for PT, since all of us live so spread out, so she asked if we (the ones who would have thrown the shower) could supply the paper goods for the party. well, the one request the party hostess asked was that the glasses for the toast not be the 2-piece cheapo plastic glasses that fall apart every other time you set them down or pick them up. and all of us thought it would be neat for everyone to have a toasting glass. so WBT looked at her party store, i looked at mine, and the one-piece plastic flutes were crazy expensive. the best i found was 8 for 8.00... on a whim, i decided to check linens and things. hubby was home sick with baby bear, who i had put down for a nap just before i left, so i was baby-free for the afternoon. i thought they might have some plastic but not disposable flutes or something.... they had boxes of 12 glass flutes for 9.99. well, hello. why buy cheaper plastic that costs more when you can get glass??? so the food for the party will be on chinet with clear cutlery (good quality), vanity fair napkins, and glasses for the sparkling drinks. (it's a casual party, time to destress and celebrate with the bride and groom before they head off on their honeymoon.. they didn't want a full-blown formal reception, so it will be at a family member's home.) pt and her man will have plenty of glasses for future celebrations. i have to confess something....

while it is an honor to be included in a friend's wedding party, i am a little relieved to not have bridesmaid duties this time around. WBT and i have made it clear that she can ask us to help with anything she needs, but with the plethora of family and friends here, i suspect we will not be needed too much. WBT, PT and i did the flowers and bridesmaids duty at one wedding, which was an honor and fun, but very tiring.... of course, we were perfectionists with the flowers on a relatively small flower budget, wanting our friend's flowers to match her inner and outer beauty. my dad saved the day with stargazer lilies and greenery from his garden, and smith and rogers florist has great wholesale rose prices..... but i digress...

we arrived before rush hour this afternoon, dropped off our contribution at the party house, finally meeting some of fiance's family members whom we've often heard about, and arrived at tech mom and dad's just in time to meet them when they arrived home from work.

i didn't put baby bear down for a morning nap, as she seems to be outgrowing them and i hoped she would sleep in the car. she did... the first 30 minutes of the 3 1/2 hour trip. she loved having WBT in the backseat to entertain her, and though she grew tired, she remained in denial of her fatigue.
she scarfed down some cheese, applesauce, and mixed veggies before we headed out to eat, devoured her sippy cup of milk in the car on the way to the restaurant. miraculously, she was a perfect angel at the restaurant, munching on rolls and sweet potato, and even a couple of bits of steak. she even drank from a straw out of a styrofoam cup with a lid, holding it in between her legs!

WBT has gone to bed (she is such a teacher! i mean that in a good way; besides, she deserves all the rest she can get after the last few months she's had)... tech mom and dad and hubby are watching mythbusters, something that hubby treasures as quality family time whenever we are at his parents' or brothers... tech mom is about to fall asleep under her warm blanket, as is dad, and i have hijacked the laptop for the evening, as i suspected would happen... i'm certain it won't be the last time this weekend. i love their wireless. LOVE it!!!!

p.s. hubby is still congested, but taking his meds and feeling much better. baby bear has no idea how much she'll have with her babysitter, whose grandbabies live close to Temera and Ang, I think. she will probably teach baby bear to talk while we're gone! hope all of you in my blogily are on the mend and have restful, warm weekends with your loved ones!

might or might not post this weekend...

most likely, i will steal tech mom's laptop at some point. pray for PT and her fiancee, as they will be married at 3 p.m. on Saturday. the ceremony will be in an orthodox church, which will be interesting... a little different than other weddings we've been to. it will also be a mini-reunion of some of my friends from college. 4 of us lived on the same dorm floor our freshman year and are still in touch with eachother. baby bear will be watched by either a good friend of tech mom's from church or work, so she'll be in good hands.

go ahead, everyone place bets to see if i can make it a whole weekend without feeding my blogging addiction!

Gold's Gym is off the bad list

We mailed our packet of documentation showing we had gone through all the appropriate channels to request our membership freezes when baby bear was born and hubby was away. A kind customer service rep and I have been leaving messages back and forth, as their system showed no record of the freeze. Well, receipt nazi saved the day, and found everything we needed. CSR called this afternoon to let me know that our memberships will be good through the end of April, thanks to the proof we photocopied and mailed in. That's actually an extra month, but she apologized for the hassle and said we obviously had the paperwork she needed. She had tried to e-mail us, but for some reason, her messages didn't make it to our account. Go figure. Anyway, all's well that ends well. Now I have 3 more months to work toward looking ok in a swimsuit this summer... and by that time, the weather should be nice enough to take baby bear for walks outside, the playground, or the zoo.

the sick day continues...

shortly after baby bear's milk-on-daddy incident, hubby grabbed his pillows and relocated to the guest bedroom. he tossed and turned all ast night, even after i crawled into bed following my insomniac episode. the guest room is tucked away from the hubbub of the kitchen , etc. it also tends to be the coolest room in the house, which under normal circumstances would be perfect. alas, these aren't normal circumstances, and the cold irritates even hubby's cough. maybe this means i can get away with keeping the heat set higher.

baby bear watched me assemble the pot roast in the crock pot, bringing books to my feet as i peeled and cut veggies. she had been amused by the chopping of the carrots, but about halfway through the onion she grew restless in her high chair and almost climbed out. after the crock pot was filled, we read a few books, played with some blocks, and now she's watching Sesame Street so mommy can get a shower and clean up the kitchen a little better. i suppose i need to change our sheets for the second day in a row, thanks to baby bear's accident. then, baby bear and i will run some errands. if i'm lucky, i may find a new dress and shoes to wear to the wedding. (if i'm not, i have a standby, but it's sleeveless and the cold air has found it's way here.)

i peeked in at hubby. he's finally sound asleep, head propped up on the pillows, arms crossed over his chest. moving to the guest room was a wise choice. sweet dreams, poor thing.

hack, hack...

that's what hubby sounds like right now. he called in sick today. he's stealing some of my guafinasen horse pills and found some antibiotic that a certain supplier left... enough to get started, and he'll get more this weekend. silly man, won't go to the doctor.

baby bear just spit up milk on her daddy, and the sheets... gotta run

insomnia

ugh. i was tossing and turning next to my beloved. now i'm sitting on the couch, feet propped, listening to the hum of the dishwasher. at least i was able to sleep when i was taking my medicine. granted, my mind is spinning with things that need to be done tomorrow, before we go away for the weekend. and as we're going to a wedding, the wedding of the one who God chose to introduce me to my beloved (along with her roommate at the time), i am reminded of how i had insomnia the nights before my own wedding. i was thoroughly exhausted, but couldn't sleep a bit.

an old song by pray for rain aka pfr has been running through my head the past few days. i need to dig out that old tape and listen to it. or maybe i can find it online somewhere... i'm sure the lyrics are somewhere in cyberspace....

Your 1996 Theme Song Is: Ironic by Alanis Morisette

It's like rain on your wedding day It's a free ride when you've already paid It's the good advice that you just didn't take Who would've thought ... it figures

What's Your 1996 Theme Song?

It rained on our wedding day, but not until the reception.
The birdseed got thrown inside the reception hall. Big thanks to whoever vacuumed it up!
That was in 1999, not 1996.
Someone told me that when it rains on your wedding day, it means you'll have lots of kids.

Meal Planning Wednesday!!!!!

Ha-I've done it. Planned two meals in a row. Not the whole week, but that's ok. Baby Bear and I ventured the 1.8 miles to the nearest Publix to see what they had on special for meat. The mail hadn't arrived with the weekly flier, so I was praying for pot roast. My prayer was answered! So I bought one for tomorrow, which I will throw in the crock pot with carrots, potatoes, garlic, onion, and celery and cook on low all day, and one to freeze for later. Then, a demonstrator was cooking some pork stuff that tasted yummy. And I decided that as tempting as it would be to go out to eat, hubby would probably not feel like going out tonight, so I would make dinner. So we're having Spanish Style Cubed Pork Cutlet, rice, and asparagus. He isn't a big fan of asparagus, but it was also $1.00 off plus I had a coupon for another $1.00 off and I'm craving green veggies this week. Real veggies, not canned or frozen.

p.s. I'm fully aware that impuls buying at the suggestion of a demonstrator does not constitute a meal plan. But progress, no matter how small, is still progress.

My little sis and her family are on blogger! She said it'll probably be a while before she has it the way she wants.

Also, I just want to thank the Lord that they are ok. They were hit by a semi on the interstate last night as they drove home from eating out for bil's birthday. No injuries, except to the car, miraculously... pray that the insurance company counts the car as totalled, though, because the damage is a ton and the car won't be the same if they try to repair it. The story is on their blog...

Another little one arrives early... check out Caslon's blog and say a prayer for baby Hudson and his mommy.

buen viaje

I just spoke to my Mom. She and Dad made the drive down to Marco Island, FL safely. They're going on a dolphin-seeing cruise tonight. Dad had fried alligator nuggets and mom had frog's legs for dinner last night, they've seen several alligators in their natural habitat, and they've enjoyed vanilla/keylime ice cream and coconut ice cream. Oh, and the condo they are staying in is fabulous. (They know the owner very well and got a very good deal.)
Dad doesn't believe in the hassle of flying, he never has. Growing up, it was due to economic necessity. Now he doesn't want the hassle of checking his camera equipment through security. while the rest of us are chilly at best, freezing cold in some cases, please find it in your hearts to pray they have a safe journey. It must be nice to be retired and have the kids out of the house. Seriously, though, they deserve the break. And the heat is much better on Dad's joints and nerves than the cool air.

with tact?

Just how do you tactfully RSVP to a party someone's having for a product you technically sell but practically have pretty much quit selling due to burnout and not enough business to be worth the effort anymore? Here are my choices..

"Why would I come pay full price for something I can get half off from myself anyway?"
"Good luck getting your hostess benefits. I know they are the best around, but someone else is going to have to help you get your free jewelry."
"I've been donating free stuff to the Mom's group for a few months now, so what's this chick got that I don't?"
"Don't forget to save your receipt in case you need to take advantage of the Guarantee... ."
"Thanks for inviting me, but I'll be serving my family with care that day. " (Actually, I got invited to a Southern Living party first..hey, that's a good excuse without being evil. Not that I have decided if I'll go to that one either.)

Don't get me wrong, I still believe the company has the best marketing plan and hostess benefits in direct sales, but that's the catch... direct sales means you do a whole lot of work and have to keep track of it like a business as well as pretty much market yourself. Not a good thing for an organizationally challenged person like myself. It's time I quit trying to be something I'm not and let those who are good at it and/or have the desire to be serve my potential customers. Although if you really want to order something without being pressured to have a show, I do have a couple of catalogs left. And heck, if you really want to get some free jewelry as a catalog hostess or even a home show hostess, I can help you with that, too, until May. I'll even be nice about it.

I think a simple "no, thanks, sorry I can't make it" will suffice.

*******************
eating my words...

I found out who the jeweler is, and I know her Mom. She's visiting from Colorado, and has been working on building her business here. We've been wanting to meet eachother, so I might just go after all. Buy something? probably not, but the fellowship could be fun, and that is part of what it's all about. She's one who has been able to build a halfway decent business with good income, and still loves what she's doing. She's not "way up there" in MLM terms, either. Just another smaller fish in a big pond working her tail off.

She's still my Baby

Just when we start talking about how fast Baby Bear's growing up, something happens to remind me that she's still our little baby who needs her Mama and Dada. We put her to bed around 7:45 last night. At first, she acted like she would go to sleep immediately. A little while later, she awoke. Baby Bear is normally a fairly sound sleeper. We're spoiled. Well, I went downstairs to check on her, and she was rolling around fussing half-way asleep. I picked her up, unable to tell what was bothering her. Checked her diaper, temp... everything seemed ok. But she clung to me like I was the only thing that could help. We sat on the big comfy couch with her fuzzy precious moments blanket spread over us, and she fitfully started relaxing on my shoulder. She kept hearing the tv from upstairs, so I moved us into our bed. She made herself comfy on my torso, and both of us began to fall asleep. A couple of hours later, hubby came down and moved her back to her crib, where she seemed content to rest again. (Hubby now has a bad cough and knew she would wake up cranky if he joined us in the bed and left her there.) Around 1:30 a.m., she woke up again. No fever, no tugging at ears, but coughing and sneezing more than she had earlier that day. Once again, I wandered over to her room, picked her up, and cradled her on the living room couch until she fell back asleep.

It's nice to be Mommy. Oh, it's hard when my best efforts seem to fail, and she doesn't fall back asleep, and none of us rest well. But when my attempts to show her that she is loved really comfort her, it's just priceless. I read some books early on that scared me into thinking I could spoil an infant. Stupid "experts". The ironic thing, I have learned since then, is one of those authors has a strained relationship with his adult children. I've got a long way to go as a parent, but I can only hope that my Baby Bear will always know her parents are more concerned with loving her well than doing everything "right". Oh, she won't always like our decisions or discipline as she grows up, but she will be loved. And for now, I will cherish the early morning wakings as opportunities to cuddle and love on my increasingly independent Baby Bear.

Finding Focus Assignment #4

a) Choose 3 things to do this weekend to prep for next week:
1-laundry
2-meal plan (haven't even adapted grace's yet)
3-draft of weekly chore list

b)pick 2-3 and chart a 3 month plan to get started toward these goals
1-more frequent date nights with hubby- tickets for symphony arrived, sis agreed to babysit!
2-teach baby-bear- see her blog for things she's done lately; a couple of books bought to get my lazy brain moving into more intentional play ideas
3-beach vacation prep- need to list things we'll need to buy so we don't have to spend all that money at the last minute; look into 1 or 2 kid friendly activities for the girls (besides building sand castles & swimming, of course)

c) choose 1 thing and devote 15 minutes daily
1-quiet time
2-planning time
*****
making lists is an accomplishment for me... now lets see if i can actually follow through... ignore the fact that it's almost Tuesday.

rock pink on the cliff...

it's not much, but there is hope for the Spring.... BTW these were taken when I posted about it a while back. It's rainy and gross outside today.

I really thought I'd be well enough for church nursery duty today...
we dropped Baby Bear off for the Sunday School hour, and I was fully prepared to go serve during the service. About halfway through Sunday School, my head became increasingly "cloudier" and my cough worsened. I had abstained from the meds that I thought were causing my dizziness... apparently the light-headedness was still a sympton of the illness, not the cure. A friend volunteered to fill in for me, God Bless her! I suppose she knew I shouldn't be coughing all over the toddlers. I sat through service... I enjoyed listening to everyone else singing, my heart sung what my voice could not. My friends thought I sounded terrible, but I really do feel better than I have in about 4 days, even with the continuing symptoms. It's all relative.

While I type this, Baby bear is watching "Baby Da Vinci", tapping her head with her palms and bopping along to "Head, shoulders, knees and toes." When I picked her up from her nap, I could actually smell her baby-clean hair. I am getting better, I swear.

Ok, I made my finding focus list, but I'm not posting it yet. I am making progress toward my goal of getting organized in baby steps. We had a nice, relaxing Saturday at home. It's a little ironic that I made homemade chicken noodle soup and now we're baking brownies (from mix, not scratch), and our taste buds are all out of whack... baby bear liked the soup! I guess one of the ways to get better is to feed yourself good food, even when you can't really taste it.

hubby wants brownies...
we can't taste them, but we're going to make them and enjoy them together, anyway.

Finding Focus Project... Assignment #4 (from Dana on W@H Message Board)

"* Choose three things to do this weekend that will be of help in the week ahead (just like last weekend) Share them with us and then tell us when you have succeeded! You will be SO HAPPY YOU DID IT!

*Look at your list of aspirations for the year. Pick 2-3 and chart a 3 month plan to get you started on those goals. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FINISH THEM IN 90 DAYS! you just have to implement a plan to get them STARTED! remember --any forward progress is SUCCESS.

*Choose one thing from your list OR from the thing you chose in the last assignment and devote either 15 min OR 15 more minutes than you already were to it every day. You CAN find 15 minutes. If you truly look and can't find 15, then do 10, if not ten 5. But spend some time CONSISTENTLY on one of your goals!
*****
Ok, I've spent more time blogging than on my finding focus project. But I am posting this reminder here, so the next time I blog-in, I may hold myself accountable or give myself a pack on the back. The carpet is still damp, so we'll move the table back into place tomorrow. Guess baby bear will have to play downstairs until mommy cleans up her mess in the morning. I'm not staying up waiting for it to dry....

3 posts is the charm. Good night, folks!

strange

i hope it's not too strange that i found a funeral service beautiful. but i did. what was not beautiful was the mess i just made. my fresh mug of rasberry zinger tea with honey was on the wicker chest/coffee table. i put my feet on the table. hubby didn't think he needed to remind me the cup was there. my guafinacin/cough drop/inhaler/zpac overloaded brain needed the reminder, god bless him for not trying to patronize me. thank God for woolite/oxy clean carpet cleaner. it's the best.

beautiful

death is not often referred to as such
neither is mourning
my friend's dad lived a beautiful life
he served his country well, earning a bronze star in vietnam
loved his family well
his last word spoken was "hi", to his son and namesake
perhaps his first word in heaven as well
his innocent grandson slept calmly on his mother's breast
his wife... sad, strong, yet relieved
her beloved, no longer in pain
with his Maker
his daughter, brave, faithful, beautiful
honoring her parents and Lord
loved ones from afar
gathered solemnly with hope
flowers, photos, memorabilia, flag
reminders of a legacy
a short, full life
healed in Him
*****
The funeral service for Anna (WBT)'s Dad was today. Hubby stayed home with Bear, and I rode up with my parents. Another good friend who now lives halfway across the country was able to hitch a ride with her parents, who just happened to be at her house when she heard news of her childhood friend's death. It was bittersweet to see her again. I wish circumstances had been better. One of these years we'll make it out to visit her and her hubby. Several family members drove from 10+ hours away, the church took care of her wounded sheep, and the service was appropriately mournful and joyful.

Thank you all for your continued prayers for this family as they grieve the earthly loss of their father, husband, brother, uncle, and friend.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 3 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

There are 3 people with my first and married name... and still only 15 with my 1st and maiden name. 97% with my first name are women. No shock there. the other 3 % who spell it the same way, go by their middle names.

taking a break and a nap... until further notice. i'll miss you, my blogging buddies, but this will spare you from my pity party while i wait for the steroid inhaler to kick in.....

evil yahoo, colds

for the past two days, yahoo has not let me send e-mails. the word verification screen pops up, and then after i enter the little letter code and click... an error code pops up.

hubby and i were quite the pair last night... coughing, blowing noses, rolling over, taking sips of water, getting up to pee..... i think i finally fell asleep around 12:30, after tylenol p.m. kicked in and extra robitussin dm was swallowed, somehow without gagging....

i feel spacey when i stand up, no driving for me today....

i even had to have hubby come out of his office to help change baby bear's very full diaper. between my poor balance and her squirming, i wanted the mess to stay in th diaper.

ESV Bible Daily Devotional Plans ... straight to your inbox...

Armed & Famous

We're home sick tonight. not homesick. Home sick. Baby bear is in the best shape of the 3 of us now.... a little of her cough and runny nose remains, but other than rolling and scooting toward the gate at the top of the stairs in the midst of a temper tantrum, she really is in good shape. She's eating well, temp is down....

Unfortunately, the germies have spread to hubby and me. And hubby doesn't get sick very often. We're watching Armed & Famous, and I'm enjoying his critique of the show. Already he's said "They're not going to start there, they'll start will law and stuff, first." And "They wouldn't actually let them (the women) keep their hair down."

Best part of the show? It's in Muncie, IN! Close to crt and Grace... I've even eating at a puzza place there.

At least we can be entertained while we sniffle and hack....

New Link Alert:

Cutie Tooties Cloth Diapers

This new company is based in my home state, and the owner is a girl I remember from college. She may or may not remember me. Anyway, she has triplets who are around Baby Bear's age, and is now a work/stay at home mom with a unique business. She's a person I always wished I got to know a little better... check out her site!


(I don't use cloth diapers, I'm still too lazy... but I am becoming more open to the idea as I fork out $$ for disposables. If not for Baby Bear, maybe for the next one...)

Check out Grace's menu! Oh, to be that organized. Perhaps I'll copy...

I've been tagged by Farm Wife!

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I am so glad I finally got my face waxed...
How much cash do you have on you? cash? maybe $5 in my purse, plus some change. It would be lost in the laundry if I kept it in my pockets
What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? pour
Do you label yourself? unfortunately
Bright or Dark Room? BRIGHT!!!! unless I'm watching a movie.
Why is there always a missing question? there is?tell it to me and i might answer it. or i'll realize why it was missing and delete it myself
What does your watch look like? silver square links with a rectangular silver face frame and pearlish/silvery face... hubby got it for me for christmas
What were you doing at midnight last night? Fast Asleep... finally, after taking cough medicine, a throat lozenge and tylenol sleep aid
Where is your nearest 7-11? i have no idea.. starbucks is 1.6 miles away. i clocked it.
What’s a word that you say a lot? Hannah-bear
Who told you he/she loved you last? hubby
Last furry thing you touched? baby bear's stuffed kitty
How many rolls of film do you need developed? i'm sure i'll come across one or two in five years.. i use a digital camera now and need about 1000 prints made
Favorite age you have been so far? 23... graduating from college, engaged to be married, focusing on hopes and dreams for the future (30's not bad either, especially realizing the dream of being a mommy!)
Your worst enemy? My anxious and indecisive nature, followed closel by procrastination
What is your current desktop picture? this computer- hannah in her pumpking costume, crawling like a tiger. upstairs- hannah and juliana (my youngest niece)
What was the last thing you said to someone? Have a good nap-nap. I love you!
The last song you listened to? Probably "Away in a Manger" on the little people stable... or something by Point of Grace on the radio
What time of day were you born? I don't remember, and my bnirth certificate is locked away.. I think around 2 p.m., though.
What do you do when vending machines steal your money? shake them, press all the buttons just in case, pound on them and try to tilt them... or if i'm not in the mood, just walk away
Do you consider yourself kind? usually
What’s your life motto? Phil 4:13- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... Another form that I made taught my students: "El que sigue tratando nunca sera un fracaso.." (He that keeps trying will never be a failure.)
Name three things you have on you at all times. hair, sweat, fingernails
Can you change the oil on a car? nope.
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? does a typed, Christmas mass-mailing count?

I tag Stephanie & crt

WBT's Dad went to be with the Lord around 12:30 this morning. WBT said he stopped breathing in his sleep. Thank you your your prayers for his family, and for safety for those who will travel for the funeral.

Also, my uncle "Irish guy" had a heart attack on Friday and died. Pray for his 4 daughters (1 biological, 1 step). Their Mom (my Mom's sister) died 17 years ago in a car wreck. My mom will be flying to NY for the funeral.

praise- Baby Bear slept mostly through the night last night! Her fever is still lower, but the congestion is still hanging around. You know how it goees...

AAE....

founded by my cousin, who is an air force vet and is doing something productive for our economy and environment.... (Click here.)

BTW, he and his wife will welcome their baby boy soon.... pray that all goes well! so far, so good!

Procratinaholic Weekender

Ok, so I'm getting a little behind on my finding focus list. the counter is still messy, meal plan is not made, and laundry not caught up. But I went to the gym for the 2nd day in a row! Woo hoo! We signed a contract with them 2 years ago, just before I found out I was pregnant with Baby Bear. I haven't been diligent in my working out, though I can't imagine why. ;-) Well, when I weighed myself yesterday, I was pleased to discover that in spite of only finding 2 things out of about 15 that I tried on that I liked well enough to buy when I last went shopping, my weight is back to what it was when I first got pregnant. Alas, weight might be the same, but my body's not quite hanging the same. You know, the whole post baby body syndrome. That disheartening shopping trip motivated me to use what's left of our gym membership. We don't care for how the company runs things, and hubby's work got a contract enabling him to work out for free elsewhere. Still, 2 days in a row. I'm gonna be sore tomorrow....

Otherwise, we took it easy today. We skipped church, choosing not to subject people to baby bear's runny nose and fever (which is dropping), slept in, and relaxed.

Finding Focus Weekender

What are three things you can do this weekend that will help next week run more smoothly?
LITTLE THINGS? WHAT are you going to do this weekend FOR YOU!?!?!?!

1) Clean off the kitchen counter- throw out junk mail, make sure address book is updated and throw away envelopes from Christmas cards (I tried to keep up, but got behind).
2) Finish laundry catch-up, including sheets
3) Plan meal ideas
*****
For me: blog... maybe read more of The Mommy Manual by Barbara Curtis

Update on World's Best Teacher's Dad, who has cancer

Dear friends,
I'm posting the text of a couple of e-mails that I just received from my good friend and former college roommate, World's Best Teacher. Thanks so much for your continued prayers. I'm grateful for the strength the Lord is giving my friend. I spoke with her this afternoon, before I even read the e-mails, and she said her Dad's breaths are growing shorter and shallower, and the pauses between them grow longer as the day progresses. They are fully expecting the Lord to heal him by taking him home soon. Her brother is en route from halfway across the country. I called her this afternoon on my way home from working out at the gym for the first time in a couple of months. (gotta use the membership before it runs out and we don't renew). It must have been God prompting me to call her specifically, although I often use the short drive to touch base with friends or family. Thank you for keeping my dear friend in your prayers! She is 30 years old, like me, and in our minds, too young to be saying goodbye to a parent. But our timing is not God's.

Lauren

********
Sent: Friday, January 5, 2007 6:05:43 AM
Subject: Dad

Dad had a stroke last night (about 1:00). He's much worse, he's stable and
"not in distress; he's at home. I have to work hard today if I want to take off time next week. Pray I get everything done. Mom is calm but is very tired and had a hard night. Hospice helped her and everything is medically taken care of right now.

Funny - I woke up at 1:00 and couldn't get back to sleep. Mom thought she was letting me sleep and didn't call me until after 5:00. I never believed those stories, but they're true. You do wake up from sleep when loved ones are in distress. Must be God.

Last thing dad said to me last night was "I love you". He fell asleep within about 10 minutes of my getting to the house after work last night.

Two of mom's sisters are arriving Saturday. They planned it yesterday before the stroke. God is still taking care of us.


Sent: Friday, January 5, 2007 2:49:07 AM
Subject: Dad update


I hope you don't mind if I send you a mass email to answer the question "how is he?". Many of you have asked, and I know you care. It's easier to just share all at once than keep retelling, and I thought this might be a good way to do that.
************
We had a good Christmas. My brother and his family came into town for several days. We had Christmas in dad's room.

Dad has cancer in his lungs, his back, and a large tumor on his adrenal gland (on top of his kidney). The cancer in his back has made it very difficult for him to feel and use his legs. The term for the care dad is getting is "paleative" (not sure how to spell) - which is a fancy word that means "keep him as comfortable as possible". The goal is not recovery (although we don't deny that God has the power to make this happen) - the goal is make this time as easy for him as possible. He has been getting radiation on his back to help with numbness and pain in his legs. He stays in bed right now all the time other than hygiene needs. He has lost a lot of weight. He is at about 190 right now. He is a 6'6 man. It¹s hard for him to eat - it takes a lot of energy (which he doesn't have) and he has no appetite. Wednesday he couldn¹t make it to radiation. Mom told me his legs were completely numb. He didn¹t have the strength to get out of bed ­ first time that¹s happened.

Mom called to arrange hospice and they came yesterday to evaluate and begin services. He will be able to stay home unless things get really complicated. Things aren¹t good for dad right now. As mom says, "Our peace comes from God even if our hearts are breaking."

Mom and I are awed and feel privileged to see some of the "tapestry" of God through all of this. Mom, dad, and I are continually finding comfort and peace.

Examples: I told dad yesterday that if God wants us to go this road, he has lined it with friends to go with us. Mom is very "Dutch". Dad's Doctor's name is Dr. "Holland". We chuckled at this "SIGN" that he was the doctor for us. Dad's hospice nurse is the wife of a teacher my brother and I both remember fondly as having had in high school and the mother of a high school friend of mine - so she already seems like a friend.

Labor Day weekend, we were able to go to Michigan to visit family - before all of this started - so many family members who can't come have had an opportunity to visit with dad recently!

Dad's bills are not a worry - Veterans's Affairs has declared him 100% disabled due to "agent orange" exposure in Vietnam (strange to call that a blessing) and so is paying for everything.

Mom is getting help from hospice, and praise the Lord, we both have lots of sick days that are available to use. Mom has decided to stop working completely and is able to do it indefinitely using her sick leave!
Richard (pastor) reminded me recently of something I knew, but is taking great meaning lately - and that continues to bring peace - the ultimate peace we can have is not physical healing, but spiritual restoration. Dad's physical distress is difficult to watch, and very difficult for him to experience, but peace comes for him and us from knowing he will not only
have physical healing if he leaves us, but the best healing of all - because of Christ he will be with our heavenly father, restored to the beautiful creation God intended him to be. Praise God. Dad is ready - either way - to stay and be healed or go and be healed. Either way is an awesome option. Win- Win!

Family have been visiting frequently. They are traveling all the way from Michigan! They are such a blessing - even from a distance when they can't come.

God is good! He is the good shepherd.

People have often asked if there is anything they can do to help. The
answer mom and I keep giving is - nothing tangible right now.

Money is not a problem (thanks to VA).

Food is not a need really - dad isn't eating much and we feed him whatever
he will eat (which changes based on his appetite). Mom doesn't eat that
much, and so what's been happening is his dogs are getting fat on the food
we/she can't eat! :0) The only "maybe" that might be nice is something
that freezes that we can pop into the microwave or oven really fast when
family or visitors do come to visit. We have some family here now, more
coming this weekend, and many (8+) coming at the end of the month that we
know of. Mom likes most foods. Again - dad varies.

Mom is a wonderful, but private person, so talking about the situation with
people outside of close family and friends can sometimes be difficult for
her, so this may not be the best way to help. It's also difficult to find
good times to visit with dad, since his needs change and he sleeps so much.

We have support from friends who have offered hospitality for visiting
family - and have taken advantage of that.

So really - prayers are the best way to help, both because the Heavenly
Father says so and because our other needs are taken care of right now.
Prayers for peace and comfort and healing and wisdom to know how to handle
what comes would be wonderful. Prayers for journey mercies for family and
strength for Mom and Dad would be great. Thanksgiving for God's blessings
would be wonderful.

Thanks again all for your love and support. You've all been so wonderful. I
will try to keep you all posted for better or ..better.

Exercising Faith - and getting a real workout!!!,
World's Best Teacher (she signed her real name,i'm keeping that private on the blog)
***************

Baby bear has another cold. I think she got it from me. My cat allergy turned into my usual cough and crud and runny nose. It's practically tradition. Visit anyone with a cat, go home under the weather. Well, 2 days ago, baby bear's nose started running. She had a low-grade fever Thursday night, and a 102 fever last night before bed. She woke up every 2 1/2 hours fussy last night, and her temp seemed to be falling. It was practically normal this morning. Hopefully we're on the end of it.

The family gathering we had planned to celebrate my Mom and bil's birthdays has been postponed, and the women's Bible study group at eaglet and sil's church in Slugger City gets to devour a yummy chocolate cake. My floor needed to be swept and mopped anyway, so I'm not too bitter. I just want my baby to feel better.

Finding Focus, Assignment #3

from Dana on W@H: "Ok ladies. We have shared our plans. We have encouraged each other. We have brainstormed on attitudes and road blocks. We are going to start making changes to our lives and our habits that will move us towards our goal. Take time Friday and Saturday to brainstorm a few small changes. Use the plan you shared in Assmt 1. Pick your 2-3 top priorities and plan three SMALL but important steps to move you forward. I do not recommend you do something for each and every area. YOU STILL HAVE 51 WEEKS to accomplish your goal.
When you have decided what you are going to do and how and WHEN tell us about it. Make it POSSIBLE and make room for it in your schedule NOW"
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to be continued....

home "improvement"

we have a laundry room that is larger than a closet, but not huge. maybe 8 feet deep by 6 feet wide. well, there is a wall about a foot to the right of the door that cuts into some of the entry width, and that is where i normally lean my brooms, mop and dustpan. for the past several months, i've become increasingly irritated when one of the said items would fall over across my path to the washer and dryer, or worse- block the door from opening all the way. we went to superstore today, and found a simple metal bar with spring-clips to hold broom handles. unfortunately, the width of the holes did not line up with the wall studs, so hubby had to get creative and drill another hole in the bar. but for less than $4 in the home improvement deparment (not by brooms, that holder was more expensive and only held 4 handles), we got 5 things out of the way, hanging decently and in order. and i can check one of my items off my Finding Focus list! he hung them high enough so we can set the vacuum underneath them and still get to the brooms... i also proceeded to sweep and mop the kitchen floor, something which it desperately needed.

during another leg of our errand run, hubby bought something in which he can conveniently yet safely store his "personal security system" with some of his Christmas gift cards and money. baby bear watched him program the passcode, and had fun trying to figure out how to get cookie monster out. (she didn't succeed). now it's successfully mounted in an undisclosed location, and hubby is quite proud of himself for being a handyman this evening. i am, too. plus, when monarch, purple princess, or any other kids are playing hide and seek, they will not accidentally stumble upon certain dangerous items.

oh, and at our first stop, he used another gift card to buy a new shredder, since our old one died. so now he is shredding papers with sensitive personal info on them during commercial breaks. (he used to burn such paper, when we lived with tech mom and tech dad. but our gas-log fireplace is not so equipped, as it has no chimney.) we have a box full of junk that needs to be shredded, so this could take weeks.

online security

well, for the past few weeks, 75% of the time i comment on a site with word verification, including my own, blogger makes me retry. it's really annoying. so, today i made this blog private, in hopes that unnwanted weirdos will stay away, and took the word verification option off my comments. i might go ahead and make baby bear's private, too. we'll see.

i've noticed that my comments usually stick on blogs that don't require the word verification, so we'll see if this makes it any easier for you guys to comment on mine.

baby bear's nap is over, time to get off the computer and be mommy.

a reminder from my crt, computer guy, and my nieces....

you can do anything you want to do

thanks, crt!

Finding Focus Project- Assignment #2
Identify your roadblock

From Dana at W@H: "I don't know about you all but it seems like there has always been "just one thing" where if I could get it done then "everything else would fall into place" I know that isn't the way it is, but that's how it FEELS. And I know it's not just me because I've watched other people tackle that mountain and feel SO MUCH BETTER about themselves when it was over. So tell me, what's your roadblock? What's the one thing that you feel like if i could just do...... then everything would be GREAT! and it doesn't have to be housework, it could be weight, a project, a broken relationship, your marriage WHATEVER what is it-----and what are some concrete steps you can start taking to get past it? it's time to CHUNK that old baggage and MOVE AHEAD."
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Procrastination and laziness are mine. If I would quit procrastinating, I'd get a lot more done.

What are the roadblocks that keep you from reaching YOUR goals?

can't wait! (but i'll have to)

Hubby and i are going to the new symphony hall downtown for a concert on February 15th! It was his idea, and my sister is going to babysit. (She "owes" me a couple of babysitting favors for keeping my niece while she and her hubby went to Cedar Point with their youth group, although I'm glad the girls get time together and don't mind having her sweet little one around. Especially when Mom comes to help out.)

A breath of fresh air

One of the advantages of having a job with the government is that when all the bigwigs get to go to funeral services for former a president, the little guys and gals on the totem pole also get the day. I am not trying to dishonor President Ford in any way, or make light of his death. I just want to express my gratitude for another day with hubby home.

Today is one of those winter days one can't help but love. It's comparable to an autumn day in the upper midwest. The sky is a clear blue, with few clouds in sight. The sun has shone for a majority of the day. In college, days like this could calm me or invigorate me as I walked across the Quad, back to the dorm, or over to the BSU. The breeze is cool, but not frigid.

Hubby, Baby-Bear and I went for a walk this afternoon. One neighbor was in her driveway with her 6 year old son, who was adopted from Russia almost 2 years ago (or maybe 3). Their house is for sale and under contract, and I'm going to miss them. (They are joining the exodus to the county a mile away with the better school system. Why people didn't just buy down there in the first place when homes were less expensive there is a mystery. At least our neighborhood resale average is good. And to be fair, there are more new homes available now than there were even a year ago. Though none of them are in our price range in the size we would want.) They were trying to get a remote control car going.

Baby bear became bored while we stopped, and had a grand time toddling down the sidewalk holding our hands. She looked so cute in her new blue jeans, coral/striped sweater, and with her silver fake-fur-lined vest over the sweater. So big.

Some of the rock pink that I planted on the cliff last Spring apparently took. The stuff looked pretty dried out when I planted it, but my parents got it really cheap on clearance at a nursery, and knew we needed erosion control. Anyway, as we walked to where the sidewalk ends, I saw a few of those tiny fuscia flowers blooming about 7 feet up the hill. Apparently they think it's Springtime already. The image of life in the midst of dead grass, weeds, and above a cliff that has been cut away is refreshing. And for those of you who want a ground-cover that even those of us with a brown thumb can't kill, rock pink might be just the thing.

The dishwasher hums, the laundry rolls, and hubby and baby bear nap. Among the other things I still hope to do today: vacuum downstairs, hang up my clean clothes, make a couple of phone calls, and clean off the kitchen counter.

Here's my list for Finding Focus Assignment #1:

(Remember, the prompt said the sky is the limit and now is not the time to be reasonable.)

Personal
-Become more self-disciplined
-Make fewer excuses
-Procrastinate less
-Balance my time more wisely; limit online time when necessary
-Connect with close friends on a more regular basis (in addition to online)
-Have date-nights with hubby more than once this year
-Continue to seek wise guidance re: medical issues
-Revamp wardrobe

Spiritual
-Read through the Bible
-Consistent time with the Lord
-Personal Reconciliation in area I've been wrestling with

Family
-Be hubby's helpmeet; take more initiative with certain things at home
-Be baby-bear's Teacher as well as Mommy: Set a good example for her,
spend lots of quality time with her, step out of my comfort zone to
make our daily routine more fun and educational
-Beach Vacation!
-Visit cousin's family on Sapelo Island
-Visit Brother and his wife at seminary
-Send pictures to Gramma monthly, since she doesn't have internet access
-Visit Gramma in WI
-Get all birthdays on wall calendar

Household
-Establish daily task/goal list
-Establish weekly routine for chores
-Plan meals more effectively/cook more frequently
-Save more money on groceries to help stay within our budget
-Declutter bedrooms:master, guest, nursery
-Deep clean kitchen & bathroom cabinets
-Hang broom rack in utility room
-Add shelves to kitchen dish and glass cabinets (1 each)
-Add shelves or cabinets in utility room
-Get rid of my clothes that aren't being used
-Organize old baby clothes
-Get bookshelf for our bedroom

Hobbies
-Have piano tuned by a professional
-learn at least 2 new arrangements or songs
-polish up old arrangements
-organize desk
-read 6 new books this year (or more)
-Organize/inventory scrapbooking supplies
-Finish Hannah's 1st year scrapbook (I'm on page 3)
-Go on a (short) family hike in Smokies, Fall Creek Falls or another park
-organize old photos- already printed
-organize digital photos- and print those needed for scrapbook and sharing

Finding Focus Project-Assignment #1

Ok, gang. Here it goes. I've decided to jump on board the W@H (women at home) ministry's Finding Focus Project. It's supposed to be something to help with home organization, something anyone who know me really well knows I need very desperately. For added accountability, I'm listing it here. Here's the assignment:

"let's say you have all the time in the world and the resources to do what you want with yourself, your space, your hobbies, your time this year. The sky is the limit. WHAT do you want to do this year?
Don't be reasonable right now--write it ALL down, big and small. you aren't committing to DOING it, you are simply saying you desire TO do it. Priorities come later. For now, we're just talking."

Wish me luck. I'll post my list soon.